trying to eat normally is just making me feel worse

i recently started living on my own for the first time in my life and i realized i can eat however i wanted which obviously made my eating disorder start acting much much worse than it has in awhile. for about a month i barely ate much at all. i only ate every other day and when i did it wasn't the amount i should have. and i didn't care that i was getting worse because i finally started to lose weight.

i would like to say that the past week i've been eating more out of a desire to recover, but i think its more because i wanted to binge or because i've been going through a pretty bad depressive episode and food makes me feel better for a minute. idk. whatever it is, i'm still not eating "normally" as in 3 meals a day, etc etc. i usually just have one meal or a few snacks throughout the day but it makes me feel disgusting. my self esteem plummets the moment i eat and i feel sluggish and gross. like i dont even know how to describe how awful it makes me feel to have just eaten something--im aware of every part of my body and the way it squishes and i cant look in the mirror and i just feel disgusting. and i know that's from disordered thinking and i'm not going to gain weight from eating less than i was before i started restricting what i was eating (probably? idk i dont know nutrition) but it makes me feel so gross i dont really know what to do. i don't know how im supposed to get back to eating a healthy amount if eating barely 1/2 of what i should makes me feel bloated and ugly. some part of me wants to recover obviously because i know im gonna end up dead if i don't start nourishing my body but another part of me wants to wait until i dont hate myself i guess. either way i don't want my choices to be hurt my body by not eating or have my self esteem absolutely wrecked because i had one small meal. idk.