Chewing and spitting

Okay so through years of battling eating disorders and even though iam skinny and unwell I have given myself stomach issues to wear I cannot eat and live on high calorie shakes there has been talks about feeding tubes (which I really don't want!)

I still try to chew soft foods and even though my dietician says to try swallow these soft foods along with my shakes up crawls the shadow of deciept and of course I tell myself that I don't want to be fat or gain weight as it really scares me! I used to be such a big girl I don't want to go back to her I still see her in the mirror most days the scale says otherwise but she's still there sometimes she comes out of boredom when I eat giant tubs of ice cream in which I can manage but afterwards I battle with the shadow and I end up vommiting up the ice cream and make myself sick again for a few days

I am terrified of gaining weight again

I chew my food I spit it out constantly

Iam battling with this any advice as it's became a motion I cannot stop