I Wish Holidays Stopped Existing....

Every year Thanksgiving is a tough time. Halloween I don't mind. It's the 'family gathering/tradition' ones I cant do anymore. Ive celebrated a couple Christmas Days in the last 10-15 years. One was actually a lot of fun. For the most part it's just not a fun time for me.

This year was especially rough. I don't exactly know what happened. Somewhere after Thanksgiving (which I didn't celebrate like every year) I just went to a dark place.

My roommate knows I don't do holidays, so no one expects much from me. This year I couldn't even leave my room. Couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't sleep. Definitely couldn't eat.

I've tried to get a grasp on how long it went on. I work from home so it's not hard to get away with taking off long periods with almost zero notice. Anywhere from 2-4 weeks?

I'm much better now. Cleaned up. Go out and see friends again. Back to working normal hours. I just can't eat. And when I try I get sick easily. My roommate saw me struggling to eat an apple today, she finally spoke up that it was time to seek some kind of support.

I've been trying to build up my daily caloric intake, but breaking 400/day has been challenging. More than usual. Something about the Holidays just clicked something and food is SUCH a challenge now.

I've struggled off and on for about 8-10 years? I go through long periods with little issue. I always have an unrealistic idea about 'getting fat' I can't quite explain. And my body dismorphia is always showing me someone who 'really let themself go'. Lately it's been that, plus an almost repulsive reaction to most meals.

It doesn't usually last this long, I'm wondering if it's just gonna get progressively worse, especially if I don't get some kind of help. So yea.....freakin Holidays. Hate em.