guilt (vent i guess? maybe asking for advice)
i've been working out every day for the past two weeks in order to compensate for eating. i burn off more cals than i eat on the average day. i just tried eating a sandwich to take a step in the right direction and ended up relapsing and self harming again as "punishment" for eating the sandwich. i feel so disgusting now and i don't know how to stop feeling that way. i want to be able to be proud that i'm taking a step towards eating normally again, but all i can think is "i'm fat and greedy" and that i need to pay for my actions. i don't know what to do. i hate it.
@syrupjpeg
updating this.
i have not eaten since that sandwich. it's been over <edit> hours and i still won't eat. i plan on going a full <edit> hours until i can eat again. i haven't stopped thinking about it. i feel so overwhelmingly guilty and it's overtaking my mind.
my mom made me make lunch for myself because she knew i was trying to starve again. i made the toast and immediately threw it away when i got to my room. not a single attempt to eat it. i feel awful. i know all i'm doing is disappointing her.
update #2:
it's been about 36 hours now. still have not eaten. and all i've had is a sip of water in the past day and a half. i threw away dinner as well, could tell my mom was upset with me.
i've just been very low. i lashed out at a friend, i've had a headache, and i nearly passed out once or twice. i don't want to even bother with eating again. it's overwhelming to imagine.
update the third. finally managed to eat some food and stuff. feeling a lot better mentally, the weather was extra nice today which helped clear my mind a bit. now just gotta stay on that path.
update 4
another <edit> hours of no food. i hate this so much. i want to eat but i'm afraid of the consequences. like gaining weight or binging. i just feel disgusting. ☹️
update 5.
TW
i did better for a bit. this past week was a rollercoaster. Sunday and Monday i starved. Monday night i ate about <edit> my recommended intake. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday morning i starved. Thursday afternoon i ate my recommended intake for the first time in a long time. Friday morning i ate breakfast and lunch and thought i was doing well. but then i slipped. i threw away my dinner instead of eating. the guilty got to my head. i relapsed and self harmed. so far its been <edit> hours without any food or water and i'm too scared to eat. i hate this.
