TW:R*PE // I’m sorry for writing so much, I just had to get it off my chest

I’m Lainey, I’m 17 and I’ve I’ve been struggling with eating disorders since I was like 10 years old. I was a chubby child because of asthma meds, and my entire family was very fit and a bit obsessed about eating healthy, exercising, weight, looking good and all that. Even when I was at my grandma’s place, she was making me a weight loss tea every 30 minutes. Then I realized, that my weight was a problem. I was around 7-8 at that time, so it felt like a solid punch. I got really insecure and quiet. A few weeks later, I became a different person. I used to be confident, bubbly, laugh a lot, and I became very anxious all the time, unsociable, and vulnerable. Every time I got scared I couldn’t move and defend myself at all, so I started being bullied, because it’s easy to pick on someone when there’s no consequences. The same year one of my classmates apparently have found out what porn is and when I came over to play games, he forced me to give him a bj. I fell apart. I’ve decided, that I have to lose weight to be confident and don’t let anything like that happen ever again. For a few years I was alternately binging and starving myself. In November 2018 I’ve decided to lose weight in a healthy way. It was going very well at first. Three days before Christmas Eve I’ve decided to eat only cuties, so I could eat more during Christmas. We ate dinner and I started panicking. I ran to the bathroom and forced myself to throw up. For the next two months I was starving myself and binging as usual, but this time I threw up after every bigger meal. I’ve lost over [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] pounds. Now I’m [edited] pounds lower, even though I was in recovery for 7 months and I’ve gained [edited] pounds. It didn’t work as planned. I got sexually assaulted/raped 9 more times, every time it happened my ed got worse. I don’t remember how comfort feels like, I lost almost all my memories, so I don’t even remember the times when I was happy and carefree, I got a heart attack at the age of 15 because of bulimia and I’m addicted to meth, because hey, that’s a good and very healthy way to lose some extra weight 😜 Anyways, I need help. I just want someone to listen to me. My parents don’t give a flying fuck, they haven’t say a word to me for 10 days, and I live with them, so it’s clear they’re tired of my bullshit.