I wish I could tell everybody that...

I am in too much pain that i cant hold any more :)

Life isn't what people make it out to be. It's not easy and it's not always worth it. You loose people you love and you are never satisfied with who you are. There will always be people who dislike you but that's okay because there are people who love you dearly. Sometimes i feel like cutting and ending my life and I wish I could tell people that. I find it so much easier to push people away than to trust them and let them in. Over my life I have lost so many friends and I still don't know why. I wish I could tell people I'm not okay and people keep telling me it's going to get better but in reality it won't because i don't trust people enough and I'm not brave enough to speak out to loved ones. I wish I could tell my mum I'm sorry for all my mistakes and how she has a failure of a daughter and I wish people understood but nobody does so I just have to stay quite and act like I'm fine when really I'm slowly giving up.

How I really felt.

My boyfriend might be controling me by guilting me for how little time we get to talk since we are long distance.

I'm not a bad person I'm just mean when it has to do with him. I'm sorry and I'm trying to change that please give me a chance to grow.

I need support I need help and I'm not actuall fine. Stop believing me when I say I'm fine.

Normal and perfect is defined differently by everyone so instead of worrying about what others think maybe we can focus on just being and feeling our experiences. If you acknowledge the rise and fall of your chest do you still feel as immersed in that moment by what someone has said or implied by expression? Now if only you could change your focus for longer...the possibilities...

that every time when i think about myself, i dont quite understand because all the emotions that i feel inside never reflects the person i see outside. its like me, really ME, is something more than a physical existence but i cant go beyond that because this life as aperson is too much of a burden to try or bother with. its like my skin has threaded my very being into misery and loss. and that every time someone saus that im smart, they dont actually know how much it hurts because they wont listen to me, they wont understand that i dont care because all that i want is purpose. a way in life. a meaning. and that someone could just know that im not ok and im suffering from this physical me, this prison of infiltration and nothingness.

that everyone knew that i am not ok. i havent been since i was nine. i dont know what changed or who did it, but feeling like you are someone completely different is insane.

that they knew about my suicidal thoughts, my reoccuring self harm, my on going from bulimia and that ive relapsed back to binge eating.

im not ok and i need someone to tell me that oneday everything will make sense and be ok.

but im not ok and i dont know why im still here....

I don't mean to act the way I do. I'm making the best effort I can at living everyday and sometimes it's a good effort and sometimes it's not. I haven't done anything I was supposed to for the last month. I had an argument with my mother and it crumbled me. Forget about all the progress and awesome days I had, I just felt so small and silly for even trying because it'll always be like this and I'll always be that sister/daughter/friend. I real started to hate life again and to hate my footsteps and the sound of my voice again and wonder why I always had to do dumb stuff, and wonder why I'm like this, why can't I be normal. I tried so hard to just be positive and be happy and kiss the morning with my personal joy and excitement every morning and I failed. I was really, really mad and disappointed and disappointed that I was disappointed. I just want to be consistent again, to have some sense of normalcy and calm. I'm always caught up in some rough tide or flood waters because I'm self destructive because deep down inside I don't believe I deserve this life, as a matter of fact I've really hated this life. I want to be grateful on these horrible days but I have to force it, I do it but it never feels right. So I ask myself why do I suffer so much internally? It doesn't seem "normal" to be happy all the time either, so I'll take balance. I can curse the day because I'm angry for the moment but deep down inside I know that it's a blessing. I choose to feel balanced

I'm not being bitchy or mean when I ask for space and time alone. I'm always the go to person that sometimes I need time to myself.