1/13/2017

I hate it that all the good people I know and care about are online. I understand why I find it easier to open up to people online it is rather obvious, it is safer. Something for what ever reason goes south and a click of the button I can reset if I really have to and find new people. I Find it also easier to put thoughts down online some where than in a physical journal, having a physical journal of my rants, problems, anxiety, etc just feels like having my own self destruct button for family or friends down the road to stumble upon and be like wow. Not that I am letting everything out here; but enough. I try not to wear out my friends be it online or the few I have in real life, really i rarely tell my real life friends jack cause, its like i gotta look at em later so.

Heading back to my psychologist sometime this month, and it is like I am coming in waving a white flag of sorts, to let her know that not much has changed with my life, that I new life in Louisiana and it's like things were new and fine for about 3 months and then things just went south, I missed my family, i missed my freedom, the supposed friends i did have in Louisiana really were just superficial and wanted to really just have that casual chit chat and smile and be like we support you, until you really have a problem or a question then we are just too busy to help cause we have our own obligations and we expect you to leave us alone an figure out things on your own. I need my psychologist to understand that I am my options now in life are going down hill and have been. I have some starter tools to do some wood working, which came to a hault cause just one thing around here at home happens after another.

the worst thing is having to get help alone. I have great friends here to cheer me on and that means the world, but having to my feet to the pavement is just hopeless at times it feels. An to be Catholic, and to constantly hear the spiritual side of hope is like trying to cheer up a hungry man who needs to eat now by telling him to have hope in Christ. It's like thanks for everything God but would it really mess up your divine plans if life didnt suck so brutally hard for us that are playing by the rules the best we can, while the cheats and criminals and politicians and etc prosper off of mine and others lives and pain. An could ya not try n make me feel better by telling me that Heaven awaits me and they will reap their rewards in the after life. Cause knowing that really doesn't make my life that much better in the here n now. An yet some how i have to dump off that sarcasm cause its just not worth being resentful at God, cause what difference does it make it seems, I get mad at God, resentful, happy , thankful; I am exactly where I have been the entire time, a survivor. Sure i can honestly credit God with a lot of things in my life but from then till now I am in the exact same pot I have been and for the life of me I got no damn clue what the hell God wants of me other than to just survive. It's as if all the Sunday homilies i have heard for years now, about how God wants me to be happy is really just wishful thinking because it seems Gods' idea of happyness and mine differ greatly. An then to ratonalize everything on a spiritual explination again just leads to more resentment, and yet i stay on the path of faith and i cant explain it any other way than it is the right thing for me to do. no matter what bs i feel.

An this isn't your chance to chime in and rip on catholicism ya wana rip on religion go tell someone who gives a rats ass about what you think, cause i don't.

so, for 2017 all i can hope for is a lawyer who will file a disability claim on my behalf for my depression an other bs i got going on, and at least getting one decent interview with a grocery store in town that is close to home. if some how in that time frame my application is accepted or rejected an immediately appealed by said same law firm , and i lose weight, I would like to think i could some how between now and before i hit 40 i could actually meet a really great person that I want to meet and like things go great between us and my life wont be so damn sucky an lonely for a change.

okay so bingo that is it, ramalamadingdong