1/16/16
Today I spent time with my mother and sister at Red Mountain State Park. We didn't talk much, mostly just walked the trails. But it was nice. I'm glad I went.
I've been doing better than I have. Much better. My mood has improved, and I'm not as self concious as I used to be. But there's still plenty of room for improvement.
School doesn't suck for once either. I mean, I still don't like college in general, but at least I have some level of interest in my classes. If I can finish this route, I could find a decent paying job.
I thought about the future today. And to be honest, I thought about why I even bother sometimes. I went through a bad period ever since I moved here. A lot of it stemmed from personal issues I had and just lonliness. But I'm past it for the most part. I just wonder sometimes why do I do the things I do. Why does our society place so much emhasis on jobs, on relationships, on sex and sexuality, on owning things, all that. Why?
Don't get me wrong, I doubt I have depression. I've had disturbing thoughts in the past, some of them borderline suicidal, but I never worry about it. They we're just passive thoughts. I don't plan on acting on them. I'm ok.
I just think to myself "well, I typically don't like a lot of things that others like, and I doubt there's a girl out there compatible with me, so that's strike 2". I dunno. What even matters in this world? Anything? Apart from stuff?
I'm probably just BSing, but it's hard to ignore these thoughts sometimes. There are some things I would like to do in my lifetime, I just wonder if this is all there is to it.
@Nick8876 I agree w/the statement that the world today has become very materialistic, about status, and very much into sexual issues, especially the USA. I live in the midwest and I went to Mexico in December of 2015 and the whole atmosphere was totally different. The people were poor, but happy, They were more family orientated and it made me very ashamed to call myself a proud American for a minute! America has become all about profit and gain and the wellness of the people really don't matter at all anymore! Proof is in the fact that Trump wants to cancel the ACA/Obamacare! But, you need to stop criticizing yourself and figure out what exactly you plan to do. Moping around and wallowing in your own pity is just going to make you feel even worse and more depressed. You have many good qualities and many traits that can qualify you for a good job. Are you still in school or did you graduate or are you going back? And females .. there are many. Someday you will find your perfect match. Stop being negative. I was like that and it did no good for me. I believe in you, but the downgarding yourself has to go! (I know I am criticizing Trump, but he is not a normal human being!)