1/18/16

Today was solid. I'm a little sore from the gym, but nothing serious.

Today has been one of the better days that I've had. I won't say best because the best is yet to come. I do think I've made a good deal of progress with myself.

Today, I remembered and important lesson from The Witcher: there are only choices, and consequences. It made me realize that I think I may have chosen to be unhappy. Or I had picked up learned helplessness at some point in my life. But in the end, it was a choice.

I think back to when I moved to the state of Alabama 6 years ago. My dad's job had caused us to move a lot, so we never stayed in the same place for more than 5 years. As I grew older, it became more and more difficult. I found myself unwilling to approach new people by the time I came here. It was like my mind flipped a switch. Like it had shut down the part of my brain that wanted to be with people.

I spent the years in near isolation. Granted, I was around my family, but I felt cut off from them. I was lonely. I still am, to a certain degree, but not nearly as bad as I was the years before. That lonliness drove me crazy. My grades dipped, I developed bad habits, and there was a point where I thought to myself "what would happen if I slept and never woke up?"

That brought out the dark side of me. It makes me cringe sometimes when I think about it. I didn't do anything illegal or anything to harm another person, but my self esteem dropped way down.

But I don't regret it. It taught me more about myself. It showed me the other side of my coin.

I carried some of that shame and guilt into college, and my first couple of years we're rough, but at least I'm glad I'm still here. Sure, I may not have a lot of life experience or relationship experience or stuff, or anything. I may not be as smart as the next guy or as politically involved as the other.

But I'm here. I'm still here. And I can't be more thankful for that.