12am Thoughts Of B (Comments welcome)

12:28am Am I the only one who thinks this way? It's like, I know the thoughts in my mind are not true but I feel they are true. It could be anxiety lying to me again. I have these untrue thoughts that no one likes me or that someone thinks of me negatively or that someone thinks I'm crazy and I know for sure I'm not crazy although most days that's how I feel. It's as if sometimes I live in my own head and I zone everything out but some day's I notice everything sending my overly conscious mind into overdrive. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't worry about what other's think of me. I wished I had a friend. I'm used to being alone and doing everything by myself but I wished someone was there besides just me. I can't talk to a guy without them thinking that sex will solve my problems and it most certainly doesn't. If anything, it's offensive and further upsets me. I met this guy awhile back but I may not tell that story on here yet....All I will say is, I'd rather have a hug. A really long hug. Not physical intimacy. I could be asexual. IDK. Well, I'm having nerve strikes again in my head, I'll be happy when my migraines go away. I want to eat a bowl of Cinnamon Cheerios with some blueberries🤔 #NightTimeMindRamblings #GoodNightToYouIfYouReadThis ❤🌻

April 19th: So, today I had a mixture of weird all over the place emotions. My head was still hurting & my left lung was sore which made me feel short of breath so I figured it's my asthma acting up again. I made breakfast this morning around 10am for the family and then I got on my Nebulizer Machine administering 1 vial of albuterol sulfate solution. I ended up taking a nap for the day as usual and this has been worrying my mom. I talked to me mom about how I'm feeling and what I'm feeling. She tells me that her mother visited her in her dreams and told her that I was going through some woman issues and that I would be fine. She also told her that she would be fine. To know that my grandmother rest her soul is still watching over me and my mom, gives me a bit of comfort. I didn't think I would miss my grandmother after 3yrs of her being gone but I actually miss that old woman. I've always believed that thing's happen for a reason. That spirit's just don't fully go away. They stay for awhile until they are ready to go. Anyway, I think I'm still figuring out how to solve my hormonal imbalance issue. I did talk to another doctor about it through my Teledoc app. They said the same thing. If I keep taking my preventatives this week, maybe my head pain will ease off. I also have been feeling off today. I've been having the feeling that I'm being made fun of or that what I'm going through is a joke. It's not any persons in particular but my mind tends to play tricks on me when I'm already in an emotional state and I've been in a very topsy turvy rollar coaster emotional state and it is very exhausting. I just feel interrupted or paused or put on hold. Once I start to feeling better maybe I'll start to feel like myself again. I may not always feel 100% most days but 35% of me is still winging it and that's good enough for me. I've been noticing the numbers 11:11 & 4:44 lately. Messages from the universe? I wonder ✨ 😴

April 25th : Well today was actually better than the days I have been having. It was a sunny, windy & beautiful day today. The clouds even looked really pretty. I didn't have any weird thoughts or feelings for once which is good. I wasn't having any negative thoughts about myself which was also good. I refreshed my box braids rebraiding my hair, I went grocery shopping (Walmart pick up grocery has been my best friend since the pandemic), I cooked, and pretty much just had a very enjoyable day. I haven't had any more nightmares or head pain. I feel like I'm slowly starting to feel more like myself. I have felt so interrupted and unwell for almost 2months that it truly takes me forever to recuperate. My lungs are also feeling better but seasonal allergies got my eyes,ears, nose, & throat itchy (Benadrly has also been my best friend during pollen season). I have another session tomorrow with a Therapist through my Teledoc app and I'm actually looking forward to it. I am still not used to having someone listen to me as I have always been the listener so it's always a relief when I can switch off and be me. The month of April is almost over and I feel like I haven't gotten to do anything exciting yet besides being sick but I will try to be optimistic for May. Maybe May will be a better month. Sometimes I worry about me getting sick hindering me starting my future career. I finally finished online college in December 2020 but this year is a little difficult. I can't leave home yet until my mom and brother are in a better safer living situation. I want to take my test to get certified but I feel I should wait a little longer. It's as if my priority list is to the side or on hold while the list for my mom and brother are at the forefront. I love them so much but I do regret not leaving home when I had the chance but maybe this was meant to be my life path. I try to remind myself of that so I don't beat myself up over it. The cards I have been dealt with were the cards I was meant to have. This life was the path I was supposed to walk through. Everything happens for some reason or maybe it is written. 😴

Sometimes I reread the thing's I've written...and have no clue that it was I who wrote it and then I have to try to remember the event that took place...🤷

*This diary entry was not consistent due to adulting in every day life's shenanigans. Yeah I probably won't continue on this🌻