1/6/2017 Open diary entry

I did not have a good morning today.

I didn't get much sleep the other night. I sorta stayed up and watched youtube till midnight. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but hey, too late now.

I didn't really get angry or upset, mostly just a sensation of blah. Like nothing mattered today so I'm not going to do squat. So I layed in bed for a while.

I started looking up google searches on "why should I even bother living". I have a habit of doing this whenever I feel like crap, and I always like to see what others think of the matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I just find myself questioning why any of this even matters.

I hate the way modern society expects us to function. Get X job, graduate from Y college to get X job, have amazing social skills, have a friend circle, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, grow old, and die. And God forbid we don't meet those requirements.

Maybe I'm overexaggerating, but don't find myself in the same fiery, goal setting, passion pursuing group that people expect us to be in. What do I like? I like books, video games, and one on one conversations with people. I hate how much emphasis is put on "meeting people" and "networking".

Work is especially a pain. I worked a service job for 3.5 years, which I recently quit. I'm suprised I didn't get gray hair from it. I went from federal minmum wage to 10$/hr over a course of that time. No benefits, just a paycheck. I mean, I learned some good skills and I met my one and only real friend in this state, but other than that, good riddance.

I just don't get how people find their "passion". I find things I kind of like, but I'm just not a passionate person. I jump from one thing to another after I get bored with it.

But I did start taking cold showers, and it helps a good deal. It helped release the negative emotions in my body and grounded me back to earth. In the end, I'm just trying to take each day one step at a time. I just don't know what I even want anymore, or if I even care.