17 years in hell

I can't remember ever liking myself. I remember being 2 or 3, my parents splitting up and having to travel from one house to the other with them fighting over me. Waking up in the morning, hating what i had to put on, hating how i looked, how i sounded, how i spoke...everything.

5 years on, getting bullied for the way i looked. "FAT" "UGLY" "WHALE" are some of the words that stick in my head. I didn't eat that much now.

!! years old and starting high school/secondary school - bullying to my face...from strangers...they're not going to sugar coat it. they're telling the truth...slef-harm came along. What i had become in 11 years was not the person my parents thought i would be. Self-harming, skipping meals, crying myself to sleep only to wake up an hour later.

!6 years old, about to start exams...an ambulance pulls up outside. I was speaking to Childline and then got worried about me so sent police and an ambulance to see me. They didn't take me anywhere because i "wasn't that bad". Mum found out then and thought i had stopped a month later...in fact. it was deeper. I had CBT and counselling and neither of them worked...i was that much of a mess. Mum thought i was well...a normal teenager - how wrong she was.

now i'm 17 - my cuts are deeper and my mess is messier. i need to get help 24/7 but i have no one to talk to and tell. My mum doesn't agree/believe/accept/understand mental illness so she wouldn't pay for treatment if it cost anything anyway...I'm 17, i self harm every night, get no sleep, skip meals and suffer with depression, anxiety, BDD, panic disorder and maybe more. I'm a mess but i hope that somehow this helped someone to show that you're not alone.