2-8-16 rambling

Back to square 1.

And here I was thinking I could get out of this hole on my own.

I'm a fool. I tried to fight these negative emotions and feelings by myself. I thought I could solve my own problems. I failed. Right back where I started.

I'm back in this funk. I'm behind on my school work again. As the days go by, I seem to care less and less. I have an interview this Friday, and while it means I have an opportunity to earn money again, and maybe secure a job in the future, it means less and less to me. I've tried to smile. I tried to be positive. It didn't work in the end.

I finally allowed myself to get help though. At least I did one thing right for once. But the psychiatrist office in my insurance network is full up, and my appointment isn't till the end of the month. Serves me right, for putting it off for so long I guess.

Damn it. What I would give to just drop out of school. I hate it. Even the program I'm in now is starting to mean less and less each day. Or I'm just an ungrateful snot who doesn't appreciate education. Maybe both. But dropping out means losing my scholarship and disappointing my family.

Nothing has any meaning to me anymore. I simply live to survive. To wake up, eat drink, shit, sleep, and repeat. Except maybe my family. There the one thing that keeps me tethered to this world. If I didn't have them, I probably would have hung myself a long time ago.

God. I don't even know why I freaking wrote this. All this crap is my fault.