5-8-17 I guess...just some pain
I feel this...pain inside me. This emotinal pain. I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe a mix of fear, sadness, despair.
I cried for the first time in a while. I cried a lot the last year. Depression, anxiety. feelings of worthlessness.
But I've had some solid improvement. I've been seeing a therapist and taking a low dose of prozac. I've seen improvement.
But tonight, I just sort of...cracked. I still carry some insecurities, despite feeling like a better version of myself. I still feel somewhat insecure about being a virgin, even though I would rather wait for someone I care about. And yet, I read a post saying how someone my age should sleep around. Whereas I 've done a lot of squat in that regard.
I shouldn't care about this. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS! I WANT IT TO GO AWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FEELING LIKE I'M SOME UNLOVABLE LOSER! FUCKING HELL, I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED! TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS ME FOR ME! AND SO I CAN ACCEPT THEM FOR THEM!
As selfish as this sounds, I never asked to be on this fucking rock. I never asked to have conciousness. To be thrown into a bloody arena where we flog others because we're inexperienced or don't have the same experiences as others. And yet, here I am. Breathing without a fucking clue what I'm supposed to do.
Sorry. I....I guess I went off the rails a little. I get so stuck in my head that I think myself in circles. I guess...I just needed to vent a little. So don't worry. I guess I'm okay.
I get it man... I've been in similar shoes lately. And I have friends, not many, but the one's I do have I must keep at arms length whenever I go "of the rails" like you described. It is a struggle feeling like you are unloved, especially when you know that it is untrue. Whenever I have felt this way I try to remember who I love, and why I do, so I can focus on what is good about that rather than focusing on how other people feel about me.
And no, you are not selfish for wanting to be loved. It is a normal human funtion to want to be loved. Our parents were the first to introduce the concept of unconditional love, and we were supposed to emulate that as closely as possible with more humans that seem capable of reciprocating it eventually. The tricky part is not to worry about whether they do return the love. Our parents didn't expect us to love them back, and neither should we expect others to do the same.
About the sleeping around part: in my own experience, with the kind of personality I have, I have little issues with convinging a partner to remove some clothing for fun... yet I dispise that easy nature because it is unfulfilling in the end. It is like having limitless desserts when the main course has not been served yet.
Lately I have coped with my anxiety and pain of lonliness with painting, music, and self-care/love (take that how ever you like ^.^). It really has helped make me appreciate myself more. I think the more that I have gottten back into doing the things that I missed about myself, the more I can laugh at how other people are missing out on how awesome I can be.
Feel free to message me any time, brother. I am not much of a rock to hold onto in this river of troubles, but at least you can rest knowing that I am fighting in the same currents...
@Nick8876
@Nick8876
I'm not sure how old you are but please don't be so hard on yourself if your still a virgin. Who the hell cares what other people think. Someone will come along who respects you for who you are & they wont give a crap about that. This is just my opinion but it doesn't really sound like you need to be taking any kind of drugs and really need to focus on your own self esteem and your self worth. I can't think of any drug that can do that. Good luck dear one.
@1stladyMC
The meds have helped, imo. This is honestly just me venting. I had a lot of other core issues I had to address in therapy, and I feel like a different person since taking them. Or that's just therapy helping. Idk.
