A Violet Carson. 🌹

Today is the worst. Why?

Because I can't even get up from bed.. I feel so tired, exhausted, my body is in pain, I'm hungry but I don't have the appetite to eat..

I should be going to therapy in an hour but I'm still in bed..

I slept for hours..

Why..

I wish I'm okay for once..

I called in sick today, and I have to reschedule my therapy..

I slept probably for 14 hours at least and I'm still weak as fuck.

What is wrong with me :')

Finally at 2PM I managed to kick myself from bed and shower, while sitting on the bathroom floor. I forced myself to get up.. I'm severely exhausted without a reason.

I blame it on the new meds.

Oh lord help me function.. Please..

For fucks sake!

I called in sick for the day and they already gave me more work to do.

I gotta take those students to lab demonstration tomorrow. What the hell.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Give me a break!

I called in sick again today.

I feel so alone..

I wish I can tell someone that I'm in a bad condition.. I don't go to work because of my depression.. Because of this medication side effect made me feel tired 24/7.. Because..

I don't feel good..

And I want to cry but I couldn't..

I want to be okay again.

I want to do things and feel important..

I have what I wanted..

It's my mental health that's stopping me..

I wish I wasn't so weak..

A copy paste about how I open up in support group..

I think i have so much hate for myself i forgot to love life

Idk how to enjoy little things i have anymore

Ellie hugs

Is this ur shift?

Bcs ur about to listen to me cry

Ellie.. I swear i will go to work tomorrow. I will try to be stronger than this

I just feel so alone..

Thats why im here..

Yeah 3 more. I hope they dont ask me to continue that meds still

Im like this to a point that i think if i wasnt doing this for myself I must have someone im doing this for, but really.. Nobody is worth it in my life bcs nobody cares, that includes myself and i hate it

Hah there i let ot out

Hugs

Its a bad year :(

I hope December will change my mind

Change my mind that this is a *** year

I never felt this horrible, the last time was when i was 15, but then i thought i was cured from this madness

Fast forward 11 years later.. Here i am again

This is what happened if u never address ur issues, especially if it happened in childhood

It haunts ur adult life and ull have trouble coping

*** u violet u piece of ***

Im ok

Im just hating myself

Bcs i have it all panda.. And i have pushed through things.. Idk why im so weak at managing my issues

Im not saying i have everything.. But im content with what i have.. Its just i dont think i should be suffering like this is a big deal.. It does affecting my life tho..

Im mean to myself

Yea panda thats my problem.. I only have 3 strangers to shoulder my problems, and theyre my therapy team. So lonely.. Not even my irl friends know about what happened

Hugs tiger

Panda.. They would say nobody have that much *** in their life.. And i dont think they will believe me

Ive been keeping it to myself for 19 years.. The first irl person i talked about it was an er doctor, this year, and he introduced me to my therapy team

A lot, but opening up opens an old wound and im recovering from that

Like i said I'm content with what i have, not everyone can have them, im trying :'(

This meds make me more depressed wtf lol

Ill be ok

I just need to be patient

I swear its those lexapro panda. I swear to god..

They need to know what happened this week I feel like im a disabled woman

Feel like ima hit my head on the wall

But hey im able to stand, eat and much better than yesterday

I will go to work tomorrow i promise

I feel like a useless person in the society

Yeah i wont.. Its been hard this year.. Ive been suicidal for more tha 6 times. I dont want to go there anymore, thats why im tryingmy best to get help

Its only been 2 months lol.. Im good..

Its tiring

Thing is.. This tiredness prevents me from getting hypomanic lol

Yeah.. I always tell myself the other human in front of me is dealing with their own issues as well

If i can get them talking about it that will help a lot

Especially if its a strong relationship

Seems like we all want to have somebody we do things for

Take urself out of ur body and say nice things to urself, in front of u

Life is already hard at least try to make it easier on urself

We all hate some parts of ourselves but we dont have anyone else

I do things for other ppl too but now im completely alone when they all left me in a rut

Doing things for one self is hard bcs we always see the worth of others

When im dealing with the biggest issue in my life, all of them gone, as if theyre dealing with their own biggest issues too

Maybe they r

Whats important is myself and i gotta respect myself enough to not hate myself that much

Just let me cry ellie ive been trying since yesterday lol

I wish i can be bestfriends with myself

Ive been so mean to my body and mind

Yay i cried xD

I have an ugly pimple under my nose with pus in it

U know what triggered all this this year?

My sexually predatory ex

He triggered everything

Lol if it wasn't bcs of him i wouldn't seek help this year

Trish sometimes.. U gotta have that one thing that have two aspects in it, for example when i was applying for phd, i did that with my ex, now im doing my phd. Whenever i realize im actually doing it, it made me wanna stop bcs i did that first with him but now hes gone. I guess whenever good things involved bad people, just throw their image out of the window and just seep in the good parts of it, if u wanna cry, just tell urself it isn't bcs of her, its a way for urself to heal and its a good outlet for u

Im dreading my course of life just bcs of that one man

Who triggered my past traumas

The disgusting part is, he knew about my past but yet he did the same things as the guys who did it to me

Yeah im done

Lifes suck and i wilk try to love myself. The end

Life is weird

Im glad im still alive

Tbh i wanna live till 100 with a person i love im that childish but i want that to happen to me

Despite *** ive been thru

Idk why im still hopeful

It's been 5 years? And I'm still this way lol but probably more mellow about it all. I'm still doing my phd, but struggling really badly. My supervisors abandoned me and I was depressed for 2 years doing nothing at all. Now it's getting hard to start my thesis again.

I read back my journal, and I'm so happy that finally the person I was missing all the time is my partner now and we've been together for 5 years. Who would've thought? Maybe life isn't so bad after all. At least I've secured them. I'll never let them go 

I feel a bit loss today. Reading all this back, I'm proud to say I am less emotional now, but that's also sad because I've lost my passion too. I feel nothing at this moment. I crave connection all of a sudden. I don't have long thoughts anymore. A lot is going on, I think a lot, and yet, I don't feel the same amount. It's actually quite concerning. 

Anyway I'll just write about my hallucinations. Recently I get tactile hallucinations. Spider crawling up my back twice, and even saw a spider too but I don't think it's real. Feeling ants on my body but there's no ants. Feeling ant bites but again, no ants. The bites felt real.

Then the auditory ones where I heard strangers, and I heard some people I know and it startled me because I thought they were there. I've cut off contact with most people in my life, and when I heard them I get paranoid that they have found me.

I can't lie, I miss the voices sometimes when I have trouble sleeping because they can be quite soothing, the strangers. They're not the ones that shout at me, tell me to do this and that. Although there was this man asking something, and I've never heard a man talking too close to my ear like that. That one was scary. And a little girl asking me something in English. It's the rarest thing because all my hallucinations are in my language. 

That's all for now. 

I've been escaping from life through the screen. Being here, or read, or do stuff im addicted to. Daydream a lot too. I'm not used to be this way. Somehow, I became like my mom. I think she was like this at my age. I know she must have something in her that she didn't want to get checked. Once her friend asked if she has depression, and she cut off contact with that friend. 

Well, always told myself I'll never be like her... Hm. Look at me now. I neglected my responsibilities. Almost get sued even. Crazy stuff happened this week, and I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of living but what can I do? I've been suicidal too but not to the point where I was planning anything. I thank my med for that.

Been distancing myself from my partner too... Unintentionally at first. Poor her, she doesn't know I'm always here and ignoring her for the sake of helping others. Like... Today I felt so guilty, I texted her, complimenting and overcompensating. I feel emotionally disconnected with her. Clearly I'm not a good partner. I just wish it isn't long distance. I would worship her, take care of her, make sure she never know how loneliness felt like anymore.

I think I'm well liked by people here. Irl, I avoid everyone. I have no real friends. I don't like people in general. But I can say I'm a good friend. My former PhD senior talked about her mom who passed away 3 years ago, and I cried with her. I love that sort of connection. I guess that's why I don't click with most people. They're... Well... Very surface level when it comes to learning about me. Or maybe I just didn't let them. Looking for people who are stubborn enough to climb that wall.

Today someone asked me a very deep question. I was so happy. I needed that. Something about my past that I am willing to share. Finally someone cares beyond the superficial stuff. I appreciate that person. They're very mysterious, but I like that. 

About my daydreaming... Well... Let's just say it's such a stupid idea to continue thinking about them. And let it went for hours. I'm so messed up. I'm embarrassed to even write about it. 

Anyway. I need to stop being here so often. But I care about these people. I can't be on my listener account anymore. Things are not the same since 2020. I miss 2017-2019 cups. I miss it when I was 24/25, being here with my listener friends. Things changed when someone ruined it for me. And then another one. Sometimes I feel like I should stop caring, because some people will take advantage of that. 

But it's not all bad. One thing that I carried from here is still with me to this day, and I cherish it. Love it. Something physical but not yet materialized at the same time. When I say love, I truly mean it. 

Guess that's it for now. I decided to take care of my mental health by avoiding chatrooms unless necessary. There are some people that I love to talk to, and there are some that are showing signs of dependency. I love them all the same, but I need to choose myself too.

Hope by 2027 things that are stressing me out now will end. 

I like to make them feel a little uncomfortable. That way they will always think about me. I do everything to learn about them. I'd like to know them. Only if they let me of course. They have the upper hand, always. They think I don't understand but I do, I just pretend that I don't.