A Violet Carson. 🌹

The last two days were traumatic. I was in crisis on day one, came down from it, and on day two I was in crisis again. I talked to the crisis line, gave up halfway through, and reached out to my partner.

“Babe, I’m suicidal again. I’m very tired.”

“Same, suicidal too. Go get a razor blade. I will do that too. We can slit each other’s wrists.”

“No, don’t encourage me. Babe, you’re not helping. I’m sorry you’re also suicidal. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. Razor blade. Me and you.”

“Do you want to try a hotline? I can get it for you.”

“No.”

I was on the verge of breaking up right then and there. That was so awful to say. No matter how bad your state is, you don’t put your partner’s life in danger, especially with your own hands. It was crazy to me. In the end, we were on call and she comforted me. I couldn’t stay mad at her. She’s trying her best. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by it.

I texted her later that day, talking about how I felt about the whole situation. I don’t know if I want to put the whole conversation here, but long story short, she apologized. I still have some things to sort out, like planning a crisis kit in case this happens again. I told her:

“I learned something called a life pact.

Instead of a suicide pact, you create a life pact, a plan to live together, a plan to hold each other accountable, a plan for how to go through crisis and survive together, and a requirement that each of you must reach out to and hear back from one another if you ever feel like giving up. That’s the key, you must TALK to the other person BEFORE you’re allowed to give up.

Like today, when you encouraged me to harm myself, I felt like you didn’t value my life, whereas I tried to talk about what you were feeling and whether you could reach the hotline. I really appreciate you calling me, you calmed me down, and I wish I could do the same for you.

But no more encouraging me to harm myself. I value your life, and as your partner, it’s fair to want you to value mine too.

I really want us to be healthy. We’ve been together for five years, I want us to grow old together.”

It was exhausting, and I’m recovering from it today, on top of having withdrawal symptoms because I’m out of meds and can only get a refill in two days. Pretty messed up situation I’m living in right now.

I feel so insecure about my appearance. Useless. I don't know how to deal with it. Feel like I will never be good enough. Can't sleep thinking about it.