A long time ago in a galaxy far away, I thought I dealt with disorders worse than I actually have.
The fact is, I really did not, cause it never showed up on my official screenings and the zillion times I tried to get myself diagnosed. The doctors and psychiatrists I meet, always get angsty when I ask them to give me a diagnosis or prescribe me meds. It seems like they don't like the idea , cause somehow I manage to look not mentally ill on the surface.
I don't have ADHD, but I seem to have what would be called a golden retriever brain, like things completely excite me, so much I tend to forget my previous preoccupations, but at the same time, I never had issues focussing or remembering anything I heard, read, or watched. When I was a teenager, I could recall pages of books, and what quotes they had, like Harry Potter books.
My reasons to think I may have something beyond hypochondria is that I am one of the most sensitive, trigger happy and angry and sad people I have ever met, who also tends to get happy, based on the golden retriever brain above. I tend to rush through emotions really fast. The least you can say is that I am moody. I also feel higher range of emotions when I do, than the average population, I am sure of it.
I think its possible, I have a baseline for emotional traits that may lead to a disorder or illness, but since I am overly cautious, I never got diagnosed. I just meet the criteria for highly sensitive and emotional, which according to doctors I have met in several countries, is not a sign of a pathology.
The only thing I have been ever diagnosed by universally is GAD, or some form of anxiety disorder, I think thats mostly social or crowd anxiety than general anxiety, but I think I have both.
@funnyWriter805 when i say recall books, means i could tell you what was written on page 372 and 150. I could quote the books. Not summarize them. Quote.
@funnyWriter805 I think honestly the doctors I have met, are just sexist, cause maybe if I was a dude, it would qualify as some form of a disorder, but cause I am a female, they expect me to be moody. It doesn't help I am a trained stoic, so I don't show outbursts or typical signs of breaking dishes the average girls do, who are cray. Like the only thing that could tell people i am emotional are my diary entries and music. Yayy dad.
I think I have never broken anything in my life out of anger or hit anyone out of anger. I have hit people, but its mostly cause they deserved it at the moment, cause they were being evil.
I get told online I am autistic too, but I have met autistic people, and noticed their behavior, and I guess everyone shows it differently, I am confident I show no traits similar to them. It only seems to be something that comes up online, mainly cause I have interests beyond shopping and binge watching legally blonde.
@funnyWriter805 I may have a more male brain than normal. So maybe there is smoke to the fire, but I show no signs of the average autists I have met, they are deranged and rabid. I seem like a female Sherlock at times, but I am very emotional.
@funnyWriter805 based on the above I may sum it down to being slightly gender fluid, by nurture, not nature, highly stoic but highly sensitive and emotional person.
My life seems to me like a Murakami novel.
@funnyWriter805 Also explains why people think I am a narc, I am genuinely self absorbed.
@funnyWriter805 Long time ago I also used to cling to relationships, but I sincerely think I have never stalked a dude , or slashed his tires, or did any actions to keep them around, and I have always had issues more of commitment phobia than codependent behavior. I have always looked for excuses to get rid of people more than I should. That stated, my mom might be codependent, but still less than whats average for her ethnicity, so I don't know.
I dont have seasonal depression or happiness. I have in the moment happiness and sadness.
@funnyWriter805 Maybe i am sane, I just hang out with people who are not good for my mental health.
