An insight into my wrapped mind. ( general trigger warning as I'm not really sure what I'm going to say yet)
I'm lying here typing this and I must have typed this first sentence at least 10 times because there is so many thing go through my head at one time, that although I'm in a room where all I can hear is the ticking clock, everything just seems too loud.
My shoulders feel like they are being crushed in vice-grips hold and it feels like the ticks of the clock are attacking my chest like each sound is making breathing feel harder to do and lead is filling into my limps and my mind is fighting with my skull as their just doesn't seem to be enough space.
But you shouldn't care , because I can't care about you, I can't care about anyone or anything. I'm a keen observer of the human race but I can't be a part of it. I watch people like most might watch a documentary.. from a distance. This mindless dance and sometimes I find myself chiming in , automatic responses from years of observing and taking mental notes of what worked best during all those observations. It's just become instinct now, I don't even think, I just react and if you want to know the true reason why-it's because at some point in my life I observed someone else react that way and I decided that was the most socially acceptable way.
So what I have created is this seemingly very calm, cheerful, good in most situations person but there's flaws and cracks that can be seen if you know me too long (and the truth is a part of my head says if i have to interact with you more than once a month then that's too long). You see then the thoughts start attacking my cheerful calm armour "they know, they know I'm a fake, a fraud, stupid, not one of them, act like im caring, giving great advice, listening but not really there, they know that I have no real interest because all of my time and energy goes into keeping up this facade, they know, so no matter how much they say I mean to them it doesn't matter I can be around them any more , I can't reply to their messages even though I'm going to think of those message most days and they are probably apart of the weight on my chest, they know what an awful person I am and everything I ever heard growing, they will start thinking that too. This is all too stupid I can't deal with this, this so freaking stupid but it's fine you know how to react you will just hide on the Internet, taking comfort from your dogs, Aw I really love dogs, yeah you will be fine but you won't ever reply to those messages, you will always act friendly but never be a friend, be social but never socialise. You will live a lonely life comforted your dogs but never really finding comfort because everyone knows how unlovelable, uncaring, mindless stupid, idiotically unambitious, unlikeable and inhuman you are. So you will travel with your dogs from on place to another, moving everytime the facade you created is found out and this is why your typing ty ping this incredibly long stupid rant at 10 to 5 in the morning. Yeah very productive, way to go you another shit exhausting day tomorrow where you will do the whole routine again."
There is no point to what I just typed as i mindlessly went from first person to third person Jumping back and forth but that's just it there is always just too much going on, too many different angles to be able to look at things and too many different points of view to be thought of.....
I'm lying here wanting to type my thoughts to get them out and then read yours. They really touched me as I have some similar thoughts and feelings and it helped me. I still am having a hard time to voice myself or to reach out for help. One day I will.
Honestly, I don't want to just say "go see a therapist" as most others would say in this situation as I believe that's just throwing one over upon someone else. Your thoughts resemble and remind me of how my thoughts used to be in the past and I know it's very annoying to feel like your mind is constantly bickering with itself in an endless cycle of madness. People recommend you to meditate, but you feel as though your mind is too outrageous to meditate. People recommend exercise, but you never have the confident to stick with exercising. I know how that feels and what it means to feel trapped. The key, I believe though, is to truly open your heart to other people and help others in need. You state that you feel other people know that you're not truly helping them out of the kindness of your heart, but who defines that? Who is telling you that you are a fraud? This is simply all a lie that has been created in your mind as helping others does not equal being a fake. Another thing that you're doing is comparing yourself to other people. Even though you didn't state that directly, you're talking about other people as though they are superior to you. This tells me that you're always comparing yourself to those you feel are better than you. This is also a selfish way of thinking, as you're aiming to become better than everybody rather than just accept who and where you are.
