A snippet of overthinking (possible TW)

I still hate life. Why? I'm not sure. It's unfair, its cruel, its painful... I can't go on very long in this. Hopefully past 20.

I got a new therapy appointement someday. Idk when but yey... another thing I'll ruin. I don't want to get better. Every time I see an apportunity I just think "nah, I'm fine. More than fine really" but I know I'm not. I'm sick and tired of feeling scared, of being a disappointment, of ruining my life. But in a way, it's like a bittersweet torturous lifestyle, and I got used to it. And I'm just done with hating the only things that make me feel alright. I don't want pain, I want stability. I want a world where everything is calm, peaceful, but not too quiet. Because in the quiet, you can hear many noises.

I'm sorry if non of this makes sense. I'm not making any sense. I've been feeling way too paranoid and irrational these days, but I have no one to reach out to... hopefully I'll get it together again.