{A window into my heart}

Hi there,

I've never really done this before and I'm not sure why I am now to be completely honest, but I guess I just want to share a little piece of me, So, dear reader, here is a window into my world.

I get on this site wanting help, or wanting a friend to talk to, but then I spend countless hours looking for the right person to talk to, and then just leave the site because I am too scared to connect with someone. Yes, I have connected before, so I don't know why I get this way, but I do 99% of the time.

I guess I just let my mind take over and fear and doubt get the best of me. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and open. There are times where my emotions feel valid and my situation hard enough that I am worthy of connecting to a listener, and there are times where I just feel off and don't really know what is going on but I'm just not 100%. In either case I talk myself out of it saying that; there are worse things in this world, why do I even feel like I need help, or that it's stupid that I think that I need someone to listen to something.

I not only do this on 7 cups but in real life too. I believe it's a core need of everyone to feel known and loved, so when I lack that feeling my life feels lonely. But, do I open up to anyone.... nope, because that seems so minor to me. It's not like I want to end my life or something of high severity like that, so I tell myself to get over it. If I feel anxious I tell myself that it's not bad enough to count as an issue worth sharing with someone. I push my hearts feelings so far down. I'd be the first to support someone else in need, big or small, so why can't I do the same for myself?

Anyways, in typing this out and thinking through this, I realized I have a hard time feeling like I'm worthy of support. I tell myself I just need to handle it on my own and get over it, because it could be worse. In posting this I guess I am trying to take a small step towards valuing my heart and opening up. Letting people read this pulls me out of isolation. So, to anyone who took the time to read, you're a gem and thank you for letting me process.

(Now to actually click the post button.... First let me re-read my thoughts 100 times over, then I'll try to talk myself out of posting this, and finally maybe courage will overtake me.)

Here's to 2016 I will try to value myself enough to seek support.