Bubble

hi.
TW: Eating Disorders, please do not read any further if this is a topic that might trigger you today. i wish you a good day, here's how mine usually goes.

Another Day

The usual day starts with starving
Sometimes with the thought ‘maybe an apple can’t hurt’
But then I remember the numbers, remember that an apple isn’t breakfast,
it’s a whole meal, a forbidden dessert
So the hunger comes back, carving
A hole in my stomach, poison in my brain
How much longer will all these thoughts last?
How long until the poison reaches every part of my body
Making it wilt and break, but isn’t that what I want?
Isn’t that the reason I let the poison sink in, why I’m going through that pain?

The evening is almost here, maybe I eat a piece of fruit, but
What about the rest? I can’t just throw that away
So I take the whole thing, prepare it, I cut
It into tiny pieces and take hours until it’s gone
But now that I started to eat, I can’t just be done
And I don’t care about the guilt
That’s taking over my whole mind,
I go to the store, I’m making a wall out of cake
I’ll take all unsafe foods, go on and build
My own cage, I’m drowning, choking on the flour I use to bake

And it’s night, dark as death,
I can’t ignore the guilt and self-hatred
I’m starting to panic, I need to get rid of the food
Like every day I thought recovery works, this day I’m doing good
But it’s all a lie. Thoughts tear me apart, from different directions
I’m shaking, where is my breath?
How did I end up in the bathroom again?
And why is this pain, the emptiness, the thing making me feel whole?
No answers anywhere, am I going insane?
Why is my life ruled by choices of foods, and number restrictions?
Why do I feel like a puppet someone toys with, just out of control?

- Bubble 💭

TW: Loneliness, Managing Emotions

“Friends”

You know my facade, the character that I built
Just for you, so you wouldn’t hate
Who I really am, a dead flower, that was starting to wilt
Long before you even knew me
I made sure, that everything you ever see
Is flawless, cause what if I’m not perfect
I know I’m broken, and I don’t deserve it
To be treated so kindly
All I wanted was to be okay
In your eyes, but my efforts came too late

I think I hurt you, and I’m sorry
I just didn’t want you to worry,
But by protecting you, I caused you pain
I know that now, wish I had seen it back then
I just want us to be like before, dancing in the rain
Do you even remember that time, when
We were there for each other, no questions asked
I should have known, it was too good to last
All I deserve is this loneliness
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt, had I just cared a little less

You say we’re still friends, that you care,
But if that is the case, why are you never there
Why is it easier for you to meet
All those new friends, why am I a bother
When just a year ago I felt like a brother
To you, where does all this lead
I thought I meant something to you, mattered,
But then how can you just “forget”
That you wanted to see me, and “sorry, I had plans” is all I get
Leaving me behind, like broken glass, shattered

I just want to leave. I don't even have the strength to write in rhymes and rhythms, so there you go, nothing of high quality to see here. 

TW: Eating disorders, death, please do not read any further if these topics might trigger you.

Dandelions

I want to stop eating, I want to wither, see my hair falling again
You know, like flower petals, wilting, flying away, not yellow, but dark brown
I want to watch my skin get dry, as I stop taking in water
Like the plant on my windowsill, dead and dry, because I didn’t give it any liquid

But dandelions don’t die. You can cut them down, they’ll come back
Breaking the asphalt, to turn their heads toward the sun
You pull one out, ten more will reappear, stronger than before
No matter how hard they throw me back, I always reappear, like that damned dandelion

TW: Grief

Thunder

imagine a flower, any kind will do
just picture it, covered in morning dew
see how the sun comes out, leaving the wet leaves dry
as it heats up the afternoon sky

this is what i see, when the sun comes out
taking away memories, leaving them drought
only when the air grows dark and grey
can i picture you, and say

"i feel you, i hear you, i'll always be sorry
for how i failed you, despite knowing your story
i knew what you'd been through, and did not do enough,
just know you're the one person i knew how to love

i'm grateful for each second i got to spend
with you by my side, even for the jokes that we sent
online, because we were miles apart
but you can't sum up love with an emoji shaped heart

i see you, i'm with you, every memory a thunder
all your brightness in the rain that i'm in as well as under
every lightning strike, a shared emotion, a spark
i suppose that concludes why i love the dark"

you, dear reader, might find solace through warmth or light
but i only see them, when they're out of sight
it's hard to hang on, without any belief
of a life after death, perhaps there is comfort in grief

3am Despair

TW: death, grief, self-harm, insomnia

exhausted by the thoughts i had

now haunted with the words i said

show all the memories we shared

and then there's me, careful to tread

on all the shells that lie ahead

that harm the people close to me

and those who really shouldn't be

a ticking bomb, can you not see

how crushing you could set me free

but there's no lock that fits my key

and if there were, there'd be no use

by now, i'm sure i will refuse 

to cause even the slightest bruise

deception, aimed just to diffuse

the feeling, "i am sure I'll lose"

another person, one more soul

so i can drop my wicked role

yet who will care about the toll

that swallows me, discard me whole

burn what is left to ash and coal

CHAOS

There used to be a tree, in the middle of my chaos, seeing all the ugly truths between the lies

Rooted deep and steady, like an anchor, grounding me, preventing me from drowning

It blossomed brighter every day, grew taller with each passing year, held me and embraced

All the scars I couldn't see, all the feelings I had prevented and all the fears I hadn't faced

Only now, that the tree was cut, gone for the time I have left, it is dawning

That the dark fog around me cannot pass, so long as my head is buried in the skies

Nothing will bring the tree of life back, I can't restore it, that's not within my power

So what holds me here, where is the constant that never changes, is always around?

Do I have to find and discover it by myself, will it appear when I need it most?

Right now, as I keep walking, every open door on my floor looks closed

I need to know there is something to rely on, just like the tree, making no sound

The more I try to find it, I lose another spark of hope, with every passing hour

There isn't a thing as unreliable, hidden, invisible and unexpected as destiny

Yet everyone grasps for just a straw of it, something to hold on to, to picture and draw

An outline of what could make sense, something that fits and that I understand

But time is rushing forward, restless, as an hourglasses sand

All that's left of my existence are dreams, resistant, frail, yet raw

How, without my anchor, my blossoming tree, can I ever become a fulfilled entity?

I need to scream and shout from the highest hilltops and mountains

Everything in me is freezing over, then boiling hot

Ice turns into acid gas, unstoppable hurricanes, incontrollable water fountains

Spreading and spewing poison around, spoiling rot

And, like a garbage can that's overflowing

With no hopes of ever being tidied, sorted out

No one can hear the desperate, silent shout

Which keeps ringing, there is no sense in knowing

What the issue is, when there are too many to count

In voicing it, there's no easy fix, just the quiet sound

Of desperation, in a life beyond control or influence

All that's left is counting days, training endurance