Dark late night thoughts w Ellen :):)))

So idk how this works or if anyone will even read this but that's fine. I feel stupid just writing about my feelings lmao so maybe it's for the better. But recently I've been feeling like I could just tip over, not i a way that would let the people around me know how i feel, but in a way that would hurt me. So this was all i could think of to do. So yeah, here goes nothing..

I have probably never talked to anyone about my feelings, and definitely never about any bad ones. But the truth is that I don't feel fine. And the people around me probably has no idea. Why? Because I'm excellent at hiding my feelings. Never talked to anyone about how i felt. Not even in my worst moments did i let anything slip through. But I don't know how much longer i can handle it. Don't get me wrong now, I have the most amazing people around me, I do. But nothing happened. I don't know. Nothing happened. Nothing terrible. Nothing amazing. I hang out with my group of friends every now and then and then I feel happy. But then I get home and once again I'm alone. Once again the feeling that I'm always taking care of everyone except myself. Once again the feeling of not being very close to anyone. Once again the feeling of being alone. Because I am stressed out from everything, even though it's nothing special. Because I feel alone. I'm 17 and I have no one to talk to. I'm 17 and I never have.

I feel alone even though I have people around me. Because we never talked like that. We laugh as a group and maybe they talk to each other, I don't know. But I never spoke to them about that I feel alone sometimes, or that I feel like a failure even though no one could've ever guessed. Guessed that I, with a life that seems perfect for a 17 year old girl, with high grades and two jobs and bla bla bla. In reality I'm just good at hiding that side of me. The side that feels so lonely it cries itself to sleep and the side that is aching inside because it feels so stupid. It feels so stupid because who even cares that a girl who seems to have everything she needs feels sad when she's alone? It feels do stupid because it's her fault. She is the one who's never spoken up. She is the one who always distances herself when she feels alone.

I'm 17 and I just feel stupid. I feel stupid for talking about that I'm sad or lonely because I feel like no one could ever care. I feel stupid because I don't have any real problems. I just need a hug. But I'm scared. I'm scared that if I try people would brush it off. I've hid everything bad about myself for so long I don't think anyone knows that I feel alone. I don't think anyone knows how desperately I need someone to show me they care, even if just for a moment. So it's my fault.

I just feel like I desperately need someone to give me a hug and tell me that's it's going to be okay. But I missed my chance, because in my 17 years on this earth I never told anyone. And now I'm alone. And no one knows.