Dear Ex Best Friend

Hi.

Wow, that was lame.

Alright, we're starting over.

Hey. So...I never thought I'd end up writing this letter, or even calling you my "ex best friend", you were always just...my best friend. My sister.

But, I guess you're not anymore.

So, I guess I should start by asking you: when did it start?

When did you start feeling like you couldn't talk to me anymore?

I never felt that way. Even now, I know that if you asked me what's going on in my life, face to face, I would tell you everything. Even if I don't want to.

Remember that time you came home for the weekend and we hung out at the mall? I remember running out of breath after telling you everything that had happened to me during the months you were gone. Every little detail. Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you to tell me everything too?

"Oh, nothing."

And when I insisted..."Seriously, nothing's going on in my life."

Yet, I saw you talking to your sister about college, about your friends and some guy.

When did you stop trusting me?

Most of my family knows how I feel about you by now. I'm sorry I let it slip out. Unlike you, I have no other friends. No one to talk to. So naturally, I bottle everything up inside until I explode.

They know we're not the best of friends anymore. And they keep telling me to make an effort to reconnect with you. Like I haven't tried.

Remember the time I drunkenly told you that I felt like we were growing apart? You said you felt the same way. You told me you'd message me and we would hang out one last time before you had to leave.

You never messaged me.

Maybe you were busy? I don't know. You didn't tell me.

I would've understood, you know? I get it. You have your family and your other friends. I'm aware I'm not the only person in your life that missed you.

But you were the only person in my life.

You know my mom and I don't have the best relationship and she barely spends any time with me. I have no friends. Sometimes I go out with my aunt or uncle if they invite me to the movies but that's it.

You were the only one I talked to.

I guess it's unfair. It's a lot of weight on your shoulders, right? Being solely responsible for someone else's happiness.

Don't worry. It's not all you. Sure, the fact that we grew apart didn't really help my depression but it's everything else, too.

It's my mom. It's her husband.

It's my anxiety and people not understanding how I feel. It's the fear of starting college and not knowing if I'll be able to make friends, if I'll be able to go through it.

It's that voice inside my head that every once in a while whispers into my ear that I should just end it already.

In the past, I would've talked to you.

Now I just cry myself to sleep and wonder if maybe life is just too hard for me.

You left a giant hole.

And it hurts. So much.

I know I smile and hug you whenever we see each other nowadays. But it's all fake.

Are you faking it too?

What else can we do, right?

God, imagine how awkward family reunions would be if we weren't at least civil to each other.

We don't have to even talk to each other anymore though. And we don't.

And yet part of me wishes we would. But not the one sided conversations we tried at first once we realized we were growing apart. Not the conversations where I told you stuff and you just nodded and yeah, maybe even talked a little bit about college but that was it.

No. I want what was used to have. I want to know if you're crushing on someone. I want to hear about your embarrassing moments. I want to know your secrets.

I want you to feel invested in this friendship again.

But that's just wishful thinking because part of me knows we can never go back to that.

We've both changed.

We've both grown.

I, for my part, have realized a lot of things.

I know now that I can't change people. I can't change the way things are.

I realize now that maybe I've always been a little too clingy and in need of affection. And I end up being too much for people.

Was I too much for you?

I know now that my issues stem from my childhood. That I'm angry at the world. Have been for a long time.

For my father's death, for my mom's absence when I was a kid. For a lot of things, really.

I'm angry, and I'm tired.

I'm working on getting better though. I'm in therapy again. And it feels like it might be working this time, too.

I'm trying to deal with my anxiety and start doing things on my own because I've always struggled with being independant.

You were always better at that than me.

I'm making progress, too. Others may not view it as such but I know years ago I couldn't have even ordered at a restaurant for myself, or gone to the movies on my own. Baby steps, right?

I'm trying to deal with my depression and my self-confidence. I can now list my qualities. I no longer feel like a monster, like a walking failure. Not all the time anyway.

I'm trying to accept the fact that maybe I'll never completely fix my relationship with my mom. Maybe I started trying too late. Maybe we'll never be as close as she is to her husband.

I don't think you and I will ever get the closure we need either.

That's fine.

I wish I could get over you already but I know it's gonna take time.

I have to experience all these emotions.

I went from being sad to being angry. Angry that you gave up on us. I'm angry because I feel like this always happens to me. I always get too attached and people always leave.

That's life, I guess. You suffer and you experience a lot of heartbreak. But you learn.

I've learned not to be so trusting. Not to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'll learn from this, too.

Remember my birthday? I was really sad that day. Because you were there.

Now I'm not blaming you, I'm just telling you how I feel. And honestly, seeing you and giving you that fake hug...it was too much. Didn't help that no one seemed to be having a good time, or that they left earlier than I wanted, or that your mom kept talking about her party the next day. I know she was excited but I wanted that day to be about me. I just...wanted to feel important for one day.

So yeah, not the best birthday.

I just hope one day there will be a family reunion and if I see you there (unexpectedly, since I don't know when you're visiting anymore), I won't feel sad anymore.

I really hope that day comes soon.

I don't think we can ever go back to what we were, you know? And honestly, I don't think you want to. And that's okay. I can't force you feel a certain way. If what we had is over, then it's over and I'll learn to live with that.

I'm glad you have friends to lean on though.

I'm glad you have your sister and your mom, too. I used to be jealous of your sister, you two are so close now.

It's good that you have someone to talk to. Keeping everything inside is not a good idea.

I sound so wise and calm. Heh. Believe me, I'm not perfect. There will be times I'll get angry at you, or wish you weren't at a family reunion or maybe even talk shit about you.

I like to think I don't mean any of it. I'm just hurt and I tend to lash out.

I hope you know that I loved you. I really did. I cared (care) about you a lot. You were there for me at times when I felt like everything was crashing down on me.

You talked me out of suicide more times than I can remember.

And we have a lot of good memories, right?

Even if I no longer mean anything to you, or I do and we just grew apart...I hope I was someone who made your life a little bit better at times.

I tried really hard to be a good friend.

Maybe I sucked, who knows? All I can do is try.

You were certainly a huge part of my life and everything we went through, everything I learned from you and our shared experiences has helped shape me into who I am today.

Thank you for the advice, for the laughter and joy you brought into my life.

And just...thank you for ever caring about me.