Dear F

From my very first chats with F, I knew something was different, I know it sounds cliché but the chemistry between us was palpable. From the very first chats, I made him my priority. The first few times, it was a bit hard to talk to him, I was intimidated, not that that would change much later but after those initial hiccups, the conversation started flowing so smoothly. We would talk from morning to evening about anything and everything. He was the last person I talked to before I slept and when I woke up the next morning and texted him, it seemed like there had been no break in the conversation at all. Soon I found myself looking for quotes and motivational pictures on the internet, I would try to gauge his mood from the day before and try to guess how his mood would be on the present one so I could send him the perfect image. I started looking at the world differently, observing more and more, and then thinking of how to share my observations with him in the most humorous, light hearted way. My life started revolving around him before I ever realized I was in love. To his credit, during all this time, F was always the perfect gentleman, replying to all my messages promptly and humorously, and with something that would keep the conversation going. He showed empathy, his reassurance that I wouldnt fail in my exam made me realize for the first time how kind he was, reassuring me about something that even I would say was inconsequential, his concern when I was sad made me realize that he cared. This might have been so much easier if he hadnt seemed to be such a good person. Months went on and F became dearer to me than anyone else in my life, he was the first person I wanted to share anything with, the person I wanted to spend my entire time with, the only person whose picture I could spend a long time looking at, the person who could make me smile with a simple ‘hi.

"Your soulmate is really this: the person who brings out your inner child. The person who makes you feel so truly safe that the kid inside you can come out."- Brianna Wiest. That was F. He always brought out my inner kid and I loved it. I always felt his equal, he made me feel important, cared for, respected and most of all, valued. I came to treasure my friendship with him and those eight months were some of the happiest in my life. No matter how my life turns out to be, I will always hold those months close to my heart.

F is inherently good, he is kind, empathetic, caring and sensitive, and there are so many things in him that draw people and especially fools like me who value anything good towards him. He has every one of the qualities I so value in others. But treasuring someone and considering them your best friend is no reason to try and make something more out of an emotion that might not exist. I made that mistake and it cost me the friendship that I have valued most highly in my life.

I remember being terrified when I finally accepted that I had fallen in love with him because he was so out of my league. I wish I had let it stop me.

I have missed that friendship for the past seven months and I have missed F for the past five. I have spent this time going over everything again and again and have tried to figure out where things went wrong. Love is complicated and we humans always want to have a tangible reason for why things didnt work out. But thats the truth about love, things are never clear and sometimes we have to accept that we may never overcome the uncertainty and confusion that surrounds love and its related phenomena.

I understand that people fall out of love, and that our feelings might not be reciprocated. It just hurts so much that it had to be with him. I'm trying so so hard to understand things from Fs perspective. I wish he had taken the time to explain and maybe not left in such a manner that even months later I find myself struggling with huge wounds.

And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness. ― Christopher Poindexter. The ironic thing is, he did heal my brokenness to a large extent. I have never been as happy as I was with him. Sure, we had our challenges but they were not unconquerable, if we had tried, we would have overcome them. He mended my heart, filled in wounds created over the course of years, but in the end left me far more wounded than I had been before, left me bleeding and in pain, and simply disappeared.

There have been stages in this trying to get over him. There has been the tearful stage when I cried so much, my mom thought one of my friends had died. I cried for hours and hours on end and for the first time, it did not matter who it was I cried in front of. There has been the depressed stage when I have lain in bed for the entirety of the day, willing for some part of me to get up and fight back against the hole in my existence threatening to swallow me. I have been kicked out of class, not submitted assignments and failed my exam(s). I have stopped talking to anyone, my family, my friends. I have withdrawn from everything and everyone. The worst stage perhaps has been that of dealing with guilt. I am terrified that in this relationship I might have been the very thesis of what I claim to abhor. I might have been emotionally abusive or put him down or made him needlessly suffer.

Rejection in any form hurts, and when it is by someone you value so much, it destroys your self-esteem. F leaving has fucked me up in a dozen different ways.

I do not like who I am becoming. I want to care about people, I want to walk and not be blind to life and colors and beauty around me. I do not want to be afraid of giving people my heart, of trusting them and helping them.

Yesterday I read someone

Continued: June 5

I miss him. Why did he disappear and leave me all alone? It feels like the world around me has progressed ages and yet time for me has stood still, I haven

Continued: June 9

One of the biggest mistakes I have made is romanticizing the friendship I had with F. I told a listener I once talked to that I did not want to think of F as either the hero or the villain, he was a human and sometimes things do not work out and thats that. But since the start of this letter, I have cast F as the perfect hero, one who has no faults. I have put the entire blame for things not working out either on myself or on ‘such is life. But there are times when I see things more clearly and it is at those times when I am angriest. There is some rightly directed resentment towards him. I try my best to be empathetic and all that I cant understand because I am not in his shoes kind of sh!t but really, he couldnt even bother with a goodbye and take care before blocking me? And how the f*ck does one fall out of love in less than a week? To me it seems obvious that things were already bad but well, even though I wanted to try and fix things, I have to come to terms with the fact that he didnt. And its stupid to get angry and bitter over someone not wanting to be with you. Whoa! Talk about 360 degree turns. When I started writing this paragraph, I wanted to punch F so hard, hed fall and now all I want is for him to be at peace too.

And why in the world do I seem to have zero self-respect? Why am I pining after someone who did not even think me worthy enough of a goodbye or a reason before blocking me? Why am I still in love with someone for whom I am only an option for when he is feeling lonely? It is the height of naivety to assume that he might still love me or that he left because he had his own problems to deal with. It is a wastage of time going through his messages again in the hope that I might have missed something, that I might find something to hang on to, for heavens sake his messages are not poetry to be interpreted.

Even if he comes back now, I do not know whether we will ever be able to salvage our friendship, would I even want to try?

Continued: June 14

Let me be honest here, even if F does come back, things are not likely to get better. I have a lot of anger, all of it directed towards him and if I am honest nearly all of it because of rejection, rejection by him. Nobody in the world wants to feel unwanted/unloved by someone they love deeply and that

Continued: June 16

I hope that this is the last I ever write about F. He unblocked me exactly two months to the date he blocked me. I don

June 25, 2018

Dear F,

You couldnt get over your anger at me and I couldnt get over my love for you. I blocked you today thinking that it would bring me some sort of peace, maybe some badly needed closure but instead Im sitting in a corner of my room trying to fold into myself; maybe this way I can disappear and not have to feel this pain. Writing has always been my solace but today I cant even write.