Dear S

Dear S,

I should start by saying that as I write this I have no intention of this getting to you. I'm just writing because it is the best form for me to use in order to vent my feelings when I feel like there is no one I can turn to. As a guy who thrives off of human contact these are by far some of the hardest moments for me so if you ever do read this i apologize in advance.

I miss you. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you. I've been wanting to say those three words for weeks but I am unable to because you drew a line in the sand and I do not want to cross it. I may not always understand feelings very well but I do get why stuff like that would make all of this harder for you. If there is one thing I don't want to do, it is make things harder for you so I will say it here instead: I miss you so much and you will probably never know.

I have spent the last few nights laying in bed staring at the wall wondering why I can't sleep. Then my mind wanders to you and I wonder how you are doing with all of this. Wondering if you are hiding how much this hurt you. It has been eating away at me how little we have been talking lately. And when we do talk things seem so cold and distant. I have no idea how to fix this.

I can still picture your smile in my head, the feeling of your warm skin pressed up against mine. The amazing feeling of having my arms wrapped around you. Laying in bed with my arm around you just felt so right.

I have to be honest, When I flew out there I did not expect I would be spending as much time as I did at your place. I fully intended to stay with you for a night or two then move on. I know we had been flirting for a while before that but I had been told about all the bad things that would happen if I hurt you, and I thought if anything happened between us that things would be a thousand times harder. That said those two weeks really helped me start to turn my life around. Being with you helped me to forget about my problems for a little while.

Since that trip things have started moving forward here again. I have started being productive, it's like I am in charge of my life again. And I can't help but wonder if that's at least partially because of the time I spent with you. But then night hits and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I haven't been eating right. Maybe it's the stress I've been under with bills coming due. Maybe it's because I feel like I've lost you. The radio hasn't been helping either, it's been playing songs that make me think of you.

Now that I've gotten all of that out I still have to stand by the decision I made. Long distance relationships put me under far too much stress as I am a very physical person and I spend far too much time by myself when I get committed to a relationship with someone far away from me. Until I get married that will probably always be the case. It honestly has nothing to do with you or whatever is going on between us. I just hope that things do not stay so cold and distant between us forever because even if things don't work out, you are an amazing person and I really value our friendship.

Anyway, I hope all is well,

Yours truly,

Sam

I really just wanted to post these so that I know someone has read them, So if you are reading this thank you. You have already helped more than you know, even if it doesn't really make sense...

Dear S,

They say that time heals all. The one thing they always seem to "forget" to mention is how much time it takes for this magical healing to take effect. I've never been very good at keeping track of the passage of time but ever since we became strictly just friends it has all become a lot harder. The days are starting to blend into weeks. I cant remember the last time I did something that wasn't routine. I keep forgetting to do simple things, like eat, as I try to fill up my time with menial tasks.

Perhaps I'm being over dramatic, maybe it's a combination of all the different stresses I'm under. Who knows. I just wish I could have kept up the momentum I thought I had when I wrote to you a few weeks ago.

This morning kind of really sucked. Other than not going on the run that I had planned and feeling a complete lack of energy, possibly from walking up in the middle of a sleep cycle, I had a very stressful shower. It started with me almost slipping when I got in because of a lack of rubber duck stickers on the floor of the tub to prevent such dangerous situations from occurring. Then, while I was getting all soapy the water got really hot (possibly someone flushing the toilet downstairs, our water system is very picky). The heat triggered a very vivid memory of showering with you, I won't go into detail but I don't think I have ever experienced anything like that kind of memory before. It was so strong it felt almost like a flash back, like I was back there with you.

You should be proud though, that's the first time something like this has lasted in my memory longer than a week. I normally forget what it's like to be with someone shortly after I am no longer with them. That either shows how much I miss you, how much you got into my head, or that I'm starting to get better at this whole feeling thing. Only time can really tell.

Anyway, I should be off.

I miss you,

Yours truly,

Sam