Diary

11/24:

I am (was?) in an ldr and moving back in a month. At the start of the ldr i was super infatuated with my bf, i would cry almost everyday coz i missed him so badly, i even made a 'care package' at the 6 month mark and sent it back to him, and visited him around the 9 month mark. He wasnt the best bf but he does try (although his level of affection showing is lower than that of a normal relationship lol). Some examples: i want him to express some affection, doing standard ldr things like play games together, watch shows together, order food for each other but he finds all of them redundant even though i said i would feel he cares about me if we do those things. Everytime i vented about our situation, my friends back home, and my local friends would always advice me to breakup with him.

Recently due to some life issues, i met someone new (??). Basically it's someone i hired to help me fix some injury and we see each other once a week. I gave my number to schedule appointments easier and didnt think much about it. The shitty thing is that this whole interaction veers towards "Emotional Cheating". we get along well in person and we have quite a bit of common interests. but its the outside of in person that is the issue : He would message me stuff like good morning, hows my day etc.. I would just respond and ask him back the question. there was this day we ended up texting all the way till the night and talked about going to hang out and have a meal together before i leave. at the same time we added each other on instagram so i saw that sometimes he posts stories of a girls instagram handle. So i assumed hmm this guy must have a gf. But why didnt he mentioned her ever, in our convos? He also knows i have a bf coz he asked me.

At the same time my bf kind of neglected the relationship coz he was busy with schoolwork for a month. When i text him he would reply but not be interested in having a convo. Eventually after his busy period, I told my bf about it and he was super pissed, and said he was uncomfortable with all these interactions because it was so unprofessional and to keep it professional. After than for the next few weeks, we had heart to heart convos which brought more issues to light (about my actions before the relationship) and he remained angry with me and whenevr i asked him can we fix it, he will be like, "IDK".

As for the 'someone new', i toned down with the messaging and stopped initiating too much with things like 'how about you' or 'what are you up to'. And he stopped with those random good mornings and what are you up to. But we still talk about the injury and gym related stuff. He kind of insinuated he wants to continue txting me even after i move back, i just gave a neutral response to it. Recently he asked me out for drinks and i asked 'what about your gf, is she ok with it, you should ask her to drink with you instead'. He didn't deny about the gf and was like 'yeahh maybe ill ask her to drink with me'. I told him that my bf was unhappy that we were texting and he was like 'oh man your bf must really not trust you, i didnt mean to make him jealous, and FFS you're my client and we are just friends nothing more'

I felt really bad about this whole incident, on top of the other issues that were brought up in our relationship. So i decided i should breakup with my bf despite going to be able to close the distance soon.

After I said I wanted to break up, we stayed silent on Skype for 3h before I said that I confirm my choice. I ended the call (my phone kinda had a glitch and just ended the call). After an hour later my (ex?) bf texts me about how could i have moved on so fast, and that he wants to call me. So i call him back on skype and stayed on the phone with him for 2 more hours.. he was talking about how he was actually happy to be with me but never expressed it, and how he was already getting over 'issues he could not got over' when we were still 'together' (he kept saying he was angry about it no matter what i said or begged). Then he says how he actually dislikes being alone and likes being with me.... idk how to feel about all of that, why didnt he say all of these before i said i wanted to breakup??

Im kinda in crossroads because if i love my bf, i would have totally 100% cut off the redundant texting with the other dude instead of just halfway pulling back. But, for my bf, our expectations for relationship are so different in terms of communication needs, values and boundaries, and we dont have much common interests tooo.. Its just that in an in person relationship it didnt feel as bad (when i went back to visit him), so idk if i should stick to my guns with the breakup or give us some time to get back together and cut off the other guy now

On the other hand, its not like i want a relationship with the other guy either... since its kinda unethical (well, idk if its unethical after im done with all the sessions). and im gonna move back anyway, LDR is gonna be hard as usual and im already worn out after a year of ldr. but i admit i enjoyed the attention especially at the start.