Diary of an adult stuck in between

Today hasn't gone much different that yesterday or any other day, and I can't explain how the thought of wasting my life feels like. It's suffocating, and at the same time, I have absolutely no idea what to do to change that.

I still live with my parents, who treat me like they own me. I can't establish friendships anymore because since they won't allow me to go out, I have no guarantee I'll see them again any time soon. I have a controlling mother who judges me for they way I am, they way I speak, the things I feel, the people I hang around with and I am mortified I will end up hating her. She told me that if I were a boy, "I'd be what people call a f" *$kboy" when I asked her to go out with some male friends.

I don't feel valued or appreciated in my family, and even though I know that shouldn't stop me from moving forward in life, once again, I have no idea where to go, when to start, what to do, who to call.

Self-esteem: low to nonexistent. Anxiety levels above the roof and depression probably crawling in, slowly. I don't feel moved to take care of myself anymore out of fear I'll be told "I'm an attention seeker". I want out, I want some peace but most of all, I yearn passion to get back on track, to do something significant with my life.

I yearn to be present, to live, to laugh, to make mistakes to cry, to learn. And I can't do that in this house anymore, any tips on getting a job are very welcomed. If any of you who reads this has already been through this or something similar and would like to share a piece of wisdom with me it would be tremendously appreciated.

And thank you, if you've come this far, something inside me tells me it gets better, even if I can't see it right now.