Do you remember Bill Murray's face in Lost in Translation? That is how I feel...

Hello friends,

Before you go on please know I do not expect you to read this whole thing, or even a part of it :) I understand time is precious and this is long and as my favourite quote goes (regarding life) - 'Do not forget it goes fast.' I am not expecting anything... I just want to write this. Writing stuff down helps and if only one person will say 'I can relate to this' it will change the world for me.

My story is not the one you would call interesting. My life should not be a struggle at all as I have everything I need. I have a job, a loving and loyal girlfriend, amazing friends, great supportive parents. When looking at my life it seems I should be 'happy.' The thing is I am not sure what this word means. Maybe what I am experiencing is happiness but my bar is just set too high. If happiness is anything close to what they tell you in books though, it is very far from what I am experiencing. But let me start at the beginning.

[the face that best captures my view on 'life']

So who am I? I am 24 years old and I come from a small unimportant country in central Europe. I studied in my small country until the age of 19 when I moved to England to start a University. I have a younger brother and two parents. To explain my situation better I should probably say my life seems to be divided into two parts. Two very different chapters. One is from a romantic comedy the other is from David Lynch film.

Part one of my life. Part one begins at birth and is stretching until the age of 18. This part of my life is very simple. My parents live happily together in our small flat. We go on holidays, we go camping, we travel to caves, museums and cinemas. We eat our dinners together. We watch films and drink tea together. My mum is being annoying I always fight with my younger brother and my dad is this untouchable authority. Happy family. I am amazing at school. My grades are awesome, I am always the funniest person around my friends. I am witty, and good looking. I feel like confidence is my unbreakable aura and I can do anything I want. I always have enough money and I always know what to say and how to say it. People admire me and I like being admired.

CUT HERE...

And then my dad starts spending his life away from our flat. And I see him less, and see my mum crying. I see my brother on drugs, drinking and stealing. I see him dropping out of school, I see a divorce, moving out. I see a new woman in my dad's life. I see alcohol, stress. I rush out of a bar thinking I am having a heart attack and calling my dad in the middle of the night thinking I am dying. I see my breathing going faster, my hands shaking too often. I see my heart rushing pumping through my chest out into the open. I struggle talking to people about the most primitive things. I think way more. Way way more.

Right before this cut... this was the last time I felt rest and calm... Because from this cut onwards.. I have felt exhausted. I have felt tired, restless, sleepless. I have been worrying more, thinking more. I still remember shaking in my car worried that I will pass out and crash the car when my mum sent me to pick up something at my grandma's... I cannot remember why...

So let's skip to now. Why do I feel like BIll Murray from Lost in Translation? I cannot remember the last time I enjoyed anything. Do you ever look at people on Facebook when they post something like: 'The best day ever, shopping with my best friends and then an amazing meal'. Or something similar - mundane activity described in the most extraordinary way? I go for meals, I go to cinemas or a party. But I keep looking around, thinking of money, thinking of how much work I have the next day, about why am I not rich just yet, about my father, about motivation, career, my choices. I am there.. but I am not there.

My anxiety is not as bad anymore. From the physical symptoms the only thing I still have to live with is manual breathing and always feeling my heartbeat. It can drive a person mad I tell you... but I am now passed the really bad stuff...

So why am I writing this now? Have you ever seen Garden State directed by my favourite actor Zach Braff? Well I have visited home after 10 months and I have lived away for over 5 years now. And this is what I have been feeling the entire time I am home.

So what is my life story in a nutshell?

For everyone who skipped the previous lines... Who am I? I am the 'happiest' person in the world. Only I cannot realise it. I am two people with two different lives living in one. I lived the first 18 years as someone else and then something came along and took all that away and left this joyless, unimpressed shell of a human who swims through life worrying and thinking. Constantly thinking.

But I want to close on a positive note. Because I am not giving up. I am 8 months cigarettes and coffee free, I am looking into meditation, sports, reading. I do a LOT of reading. I find it very difficult to focus but practice makes perfect and even your mind can be shut down... at least for a little while. So anyone reading this, next time when you are in bed, it is 3.45 in the morning and your brain is calculating how much sleep you get if you fall asleep right now and how tired you will be tomorrow... next time you get stressed making small talk with someone intimidating... next time you feel you are not going anywhere in life and everything around you seems gray and colourless please remember this moment. How you feel exactly at this moment when you know there is someone else with the same problem. And you need to realise....

....IT WILL BE FINE. Life is scary - but if you take it one step at a time... it can be less frightening.