Eleanor's Diary

Dear Diary,

My birthday is coming soon and I feel no excitement for it. I feel so lonely these days and I can't help but wonder if things would stay the same for me or not. I would just give my introduction today and post whenever I can. So, I'm about to turn 17 soon. I feel like the last 4 years of my life have been pretty hard for me - it's not like something happened to me out of the blue, I just did not deal well with certain things. I have been on 'losing friends' streak for 4 years now. My family is pretty messed up as well. Everyone around me keeps on fighting and I feel unimportant in my own home. When I think of the friendships I currently have, I can't help but feel possessive of them. I feel like if there's such a thing as a Toxic Friend, that would be me. I want to feel valued, loved and cared for every single time. I have so many insecurities. I wish I could just let people be free but I just feel too protective of them. I instantly consider the person they're close to a 'threat.'

I don't know what's wrong with me. I write a lot by the way. Mostly poems or small excerpts. I don't think I'm particularly good at it but I'm decent. I have been reading about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I do show some of the symptoms. Almost all. I wish I just could be normal and not feel these emotions so deeply because it hurts. It hurts to keep people close to the point it feels like you're suffocating them but not being strong enough to let them just be. I have friends, I wouldn't say they are bad just as I wouldn't say they are as good. I seem to have high expectations from the relationships I have, not an admirable trait.

I also like this guy in my school but I'm not lovable you see. I'm not worth the shot. I'm not so many things, I just am and it's awful. I don't know what to write because my thoughts are scattered but I'll write once the thoughts stop racing in my head. I feel so exhausted.