Figuring It Out

I’m 30, married, I run a business with my husband, no kids… and somehow my life feels like its a mess.

My parents divorced a few years ago and it was the culmination of all the crap that was behind the scenes in my family. My father was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. My mother was emotionally unavailable. Everyone on the outside thought dad was the perfect guy, unless you crossed him. He was feared more than anything and had money to control people. I didn’t know something was wrong until I battled with multiple bouts of depression. Eventually I met my husband and moved out, because I wasn’t allowed to before. After trying to make amends and then being manipulated during the divorce, I decided I could not trust my father and I no longer speak to him. He has tried for 2 years to speak to me but I have not responded.

Basically thats where the crap starts. My mom and I don’t connect despite my efforts. She has been trying to deal with the divorce but hasn’t made healthy efforts. Lots of weirdness and things that are not ok. Then there is my husband’s side. A connected family with a complicated past. His older brother got his now wife pregnant when they were teenagers. They are very country and seemingly nice people, but slow to trust. They don’t seem to like me. They pretend they do, then say every passive aggressive slight they can think of. I think I am just very different and despite my efforts to fit in and contribute, nothing has ever been enough. Its a long story but there has been a lot of hurt and they don’t seem to care. My husband has begun to see the issues though it has taken sometime, as they are all close. They have been passive aggressive about our business to him as well.

I don’t really have any close friends. We moved a couple years ago to a more rural area, we started a business, and my efforts to make friends has been unsuccessful. People come and go, plus I am guarded about opening up to people. Somehow I tend to be the helper and get used rather than having a reciprocal relationship. Making friends as an adult in small town is hard.

Our business has also been challenge. We started 6 months or so before Covid hit and thankfully have survived. Its a freelance sort of business and its been really hard. I work behind the scenes mostly and most of our family has acted like I don’t have a job. It’s been difficult getting any respect. It has been hard financially and emotionally on us. We gave up teaching for this and people still don’t get it sometimes. I am refraining from saying what we do for privacy reasons.

Basically there has been a lot of crap and I don’t know how to deal with it. I have been unhappy and felt stuck. We live near family and I have tried to put distance between us because of how we have been treated. I also am a musician but have feared putting myself out there again because of rejection. In our little bubble at home, things feel safe. Yet I have difficulty with managing my emotions due to the past and anytime I have to deal with others. I feel like I have put too much on my husband and I don’t want to do that. I have had a lot of physical health issues as well, some possibly attributed to emotional issues. We are trying to navigate the situations and decide how to move forward. I just know I need something to change because I have been very unhappy.