Float With Me Here, in the Ocean, in the Stars

you were cold, so she let you slip under her sweatshirt and slide your arms down the sleeves, try to poke your head out of the collar though you couldn't quite fit. she's laughing because you're wiggling around under there and your skin is cold on hers.

8:50pm and that feeling of being at a party in the bathroom with the beginnings of a headache coming on, hands on the counter, leaning over the sink. can't even think because the music is so loud. you don't know where your friends are. you'd splash your face with water but you don't want to ruin your makeup. it's way too hot in here. you're getting dizzy. suddenly someone's knocking at the door, shouting something you can't hear.

okay but imagine this

she's got a finger to her mouth, nail dragging in the black, lipstick smeared across her chin, a silver canine tooth, blood dripping down over her bottom lip, eyeliner dried in rivulets down her cheeks, eyeshadow smudged over her temples, mascara messy and sharp, red tinged eyes, a faint mist over her blank stare, piercings in her dimples, pale skin, blue and red veins like ink or spider webs or strands of fallen hair in the bathwater, stretched tought over protruding cheekbones. you could tear it like paper.

and there she is, tripping off her skateboard. her hair is flying and in a moment it's clattering away from her and she's screaming at it and tears are burning the edges of her eyes. her fists are cracking and they come down like thunder on her thighs. her foot hits the tree like a bullwhip and a jolt of pain strikes up through her leg and sends her knees falling out. she's throwing her skateboard, hoping it cracks andf breaks when it hits the pavement, chasing after it when it doesn't.

and look at her now, devastated. because she doesn't understand how you could want her when you have everything. desperate to be enough, crying on the bus home, sobbing once she's closed the door. she doesn't understand. she couldn't be enough. she wants to have what you have. to feel whole, and be with the people she loves, to be wanted and warm.

nails like razors scratching at her head, blood seeping down the nape of her neck, her skul stinging, eyes rolling back, tearign apart hwe skin til all she can feel is the buzz of an itch. blind, and dark, can't even cry, just deafening white noise and shaking hands. she wishes she could scream. she wishes she could slam her fists down on the laptop, rip out her hair, scratch her head til it bleeds and burns, break her arms

she can't even cry

she can't even fucking cry and scream and feel this and it's driving her insane and she might just sob and weep and feel her shoulders heave and her voice crack and all she can say is she's sorry, she's so sorry til her head goes blind and her eyes dry up and there's nothing left to say

she's rushing at you and suddenly her arms are around you and you can feel her cheeks brush against yours and her arms are so tight around are you and she's crying and her tears are cold on your neck and

I have this picture in my head of the night sky, and waves. You know? Like the ocean washing over you and your hands reaching up to hold on to the air, and the stars. You'd go under, and you'd choke on water and the salt, and you'd come back up, eyelashes cold and wet, your vision blurring until the sky is nothing but black. You'd just be out there, somewhere far away, in the ocean, alone, and you'd be shaking with the cold that pierces your skin and seeps into your bones, and

and it'd be peaceful.

Like you'd be coming home to somewhere you've never been before.

Maybe there'd be a beach farther behind you, with grey sand and jet-black rocks reaching up to the sky. Cliffs. And lots of rocks on the beach. Pebbles, rounded after years of erosion.

You swam out into the ocean from that beach.

It kind of feels like you won't be returning to the shore.

It's this peaceful song that sounds like the feeling of the white cliffs by the ocean with the forever blue sky and waves that come crashing on the sand. It's like the sound of forever. This safe memory, this moment, that feels almost bittersweet, because of how you know it will never change. Like this place that you never arrived at, nor left. You were just always here. There's this solemn emptiness too. This faded feeling. It's stable with that mood. It's like in between lost and somewhere else, too. It's like the feeling of being lost, but forever, and knowing that is like having this one certain thing that you will never lose, even when it's that you will never find whatever you are searching for. Like this is as close as you will get to it. Whatever you have lost. You know you will never find it, but part of it is here.

you however, in return, have to learn to ride a skateboard so that you can experience the sensation of gliding down a little hill with the vibrations in your shoes and your arms out and the wind rushing through your hair and then panicking because you're going kinda fast actually and then you start to lose your balance and for split second it's a full blown "shitshitshit" and then you're balanced again and your heart's beating a lil harder than it was before and you're smiling again