Flower Field

(There is a trigger warning in this!!)Today was pretty much all-around good. The start of my day was like a dog that barks at you till you let it sniff you. I was under a lot of pressure to finish my online school work and had a breakdown. I have been anxious lately. On Sunday I had an (i don't know what it was) attack of some sort. I had procrastined doing something for color guard, and my coach only posted half of a breakdown of the dance and we needed to learn the full dance. I panicked and every time I watched that video I couldn't breathe and would start to cry. I stepped away from my phone and sobbed. My mom told me to "calm down and breathe" which I replied with that I couldn't breathe and bent over and sobbed. She looked at me like I was stupid, I'm not stupid (you are pretty great if you get that reference) I fell to the floor and cried while hyperventilating. My mom proceeded to yell at me to calm down and pull myself together. I luckily finished, but I couldn' t shake the feeling of just wanting to cry. I could hardly breathe for the rest of the night. I have been struggling to not do that when I feel the tiniest bit of pressure put on me. *TW/SH*I have been fighting the urge to cut a lot too. It relieved my stress. I felt like every time I saw that ribbon of crimson come up from my skin I felt like that it was all of my stress being released. I fight that urge a lot. Fast forward back to today. I went to go buy some athletic shorts with my mom (with a face mask on while in stores) and I saw this guy look at me he was particularly good looking but I got embarrassed even though I was not doing anything. I felt like I wanted to run out of the store. My test tightened up and I went to a farther isle even though what I was looking for was in the original isle. I hated that feeling of a heat overcoming my body, the feeling of my lungs shrinking ( I do have bronchial spasms, but they usually aren't that bad and only happen once in a while). I hate that. I wish that would just stop. Even typing about it is making me anxious. I wish I was just normal sometimes. I did play some outdoor games with my parents even though I hate everything about them. It makes them happy to see me happy so I just pretend around them. I want them to feel like they don't have anything to worry about. But overall it been a good day I guess. Cya! (replies are welcome)

*TW/ED*Today was pretty great didn't do much I finally motivated myself to do a workout. I have been gaining weight so much. I need to get into shape before the marching season starts.*TW* I have been struggling recently with not eating. I see certain things I make happen not to want to happen. Small things almost like when you sit in an adjustable chair and my weight makes the chair go down without force it just happens, or the passenger airbag finally showing up on the dashboard in my tulips (mom) dashboard. I will look at myself in the mirror and wonder how did I get to this. I have been underweight my whole life. Now I am average with all the other girls. My weight was the only thing that set me apart from others. Now I feel like am a background character in my whole life. I feel like I should be skinnier. I went from a size 00 - 2 within less than a year. I HATE THAT! I used to be able to wrap my hands around my waist no problem, now I can't even touch the tips of my fingers. I want that back. I hate not being smaller. I want that enjoyment of knowing that if I go for a swim I will look good, if I change in front of others I won't look like a pig. I just want to go back to the old me, skinny, happy, optimistic. I loved having that. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I am in an alternate universe in my brain. My outside is all happy, smiles, "perfect body", "pretty". All I feel in my mind is the tears holding up behind my eyes, like a dam. The way I see my face in the mirrors. The way my body looks even after working out, it's still ugly. I don't know if yall lovely flowers know this song its "Prom Queen" by Beach Bunny. That song is like my energy right now. The lyrics are what I am. I went to get a check-up for my physical last summer and I hit triple digits. I looked at my mom with a smile on my face acting like it was an achievement. It was really more of a panic mode for me like a red button had been pushed in my brain. It was all I could think about for the rest of that day. It has stayed at that same weight, till quarantine. We do not have scales in our house which brings me comfort, so I don't have to look at the weight of the ugliness that is my body. I have been eating smaller meals which only makes me hungrier which makes me skinnier. I always end up caving. I cope with not eating by eating or making jokes about it. I love the way not eating makes me look. I don't look bloated I look fit and ready to go. My stomach calling for help inside me with its loud growls. Why can't I just not have a stomach? I would be happier without it. Moving on I got a really good grade on my algebra assessment first try. I was happy and got ungrounded for doing that. I feel like all I am is grades to my parents. A representation of how good they parented me. Like I am their show horse. It makes me feel sick. They are the reason I don't want kids. I am scared I will treat them the same way they treated me and that my kids will have to go through what I am feeling right now. I don't want that for them. I hope you all lovely flowers had a wonderful day. Keep thriving and growing in the sun. Stay hydrated, have a great day! Cya! (commenting is welcome!) <3

Heyo! Today was a great day!!! I walked 4 miles did a workout and ate really healthy. I love how fit I look! I actually have motivation because swimsuit season is here and I need to have a summer glow up lol. I am really proud of myself. the only bad thing that happened today was that I ate chips ahoy and goldfish. I have been trying to eat healthier and I can' t eat well if I keep cheating myself, so I have to resist temptation lol. Hope yall had a lovely day flowers! Cya! <3 (comments are welcome!)

Today was an ok day.*TW* I don't think I have ever wanted to die more today. It was basically all I thought about. ways to die. it was in the back of my mind. I wanted to leave. I didn't care who I hurt and I know that sounds so selfish, but I just wanted to leave and never come back. I will never be enough for anyone. the only person who accepts who I am is my friend who I have known for a couple of weeks now and she is way better than the friend I had for 10 years who basically dropped me. I took her everywhere. When I took her places her trip was paid for by my family. We spent thousands on her for years. We never got a thank you. She didn't even wish me Happy Birthday on my birthday even when we took her to six flags with me for my 2 person party which was just me and her. She didn't even thank my mom or me for paying for her. I don't know she was just really toxic and I realize that now because I have a friend who treats me better than her. I just never realized it I guess. I don't really know. I feel like all I did today was school work, cry, and sleep. I just hope tomorrow is better. I just really want to leave my home. I am really at the point of telling my parents that leaving my home and going to my friends' house is just better for me. I am never happy at my house. I always go to my friends and I never cry there. Only tears of laughter and joy. I just really want to leave I don't know. I am so tired of always dealing with everything my parents say. I can't even cry in my own house without getting yelled at to "pull myself together, or to calm down, or to just deal with it" I am so tired of not being able to just show my emotions because when I do I feel that they are invalid. I have to cry in quiet or with no one in sight so they can't see me. I hate it here. I just want to tell my parents that I hate being here and that it's not helping me get better being with them and that I just want to leave. I would rather support myself financially at another person's house than being stuck at my home being paid for and be unhappy. I don't know what I should do. I have been standing up for myself when my parents yell at me and all they do is get mad and call me disrespectful. I know that they talk about me behind my back too. I have heard them and it makes me want to confront them and show them how hurt I am by the words that they say about me. I just want to leave them or something. I am sorry if this comes off as selfish or stupid or pitiful, but this is the only place where my emotions feel valid and accepted. I really just don't know how to deal with this. I hope yall had a great day lovely flowers. Cya! <3 (comments are welcome!)