Future frailties

I haven't been on for a while and I can't even find the right words to explain it. I was stressed and there's no way to lighten that load because it's ongoing and cannot be resolved on my part, so I endure or sometimes don't.

Then a bunch of re-strains kept happening to my body and if I could stop functioning and let it heal, I would have but it was from everyday movements. How can I possibly limit those?

My fear is always one day, it won't repair itself, I'll be stuck, unable to do much and forever panicking on what I would do then?

For the most part, the pain went away and I was more flexible but I can't escape the vulnerability that comes with it.

Just wounded and raw and ripe for people to come along and make me feel worse. Exploit any visible weakness.

I always feel better hiding and regaining my strength, not out in the open to amuse onlookers.

It's not paranoia, it's what actually happens around my family and former friends or acquaintances.

Now I'm also dealing with horrendous pmt. It was glorious skipping 2 months, although I still had the symptoms, nausea, cramps, tiredness.

How did I compartmentalise before? I want to continue writing fiction but I'm unable. I just feel overwhelmed all the time.

If it's not stress, it's health, if it's not health, it's people. There is always something and I've done things to feel guilty about but at some point, Haven't I been punished enough?

I don't really have anything to give. I don't really want to talk. I don't want to explain myself. I just want to get sicker in peace and come to terms with it.

It's not going to get better, I will decline and I have to accept it. I just wish people wouldn't add to it.

To the mis-treaters, I will persevere through your vindictiveness. What goes around.. Comes around, right back to you!

One of the things I love most about winter, the gooey oozing hot cheesy toasties. I pushed the panini press too hard yesterday and the cheese just spilled out deliciously messy..

I don't know when I'll be back properly @Amanda and @Jesusredeemedme2425 and a few others, I look forward to hanging around with and being silly and cosy with but I have to put my needs first and find ways to cope or I may just permanently slip from reality and live in my safe fictional world where it's less taxing on me.

Off to munchy munchy..