Gen's Journal
To be honest, I'm not sure how to use this site for journaling. It seems easier to log onto a computer and journal than to handwrite, though, and I have too many connections on Tumblr now. Plus, I'm in need of a new journaling name. It's so much easier to write when I've created a mythology for myself.
That's not to say I intend to write about false experiences. It's more like Beyonce's whole deal with Sasha Fierce; the use of an alter ego serves as a vehicle for necessary expression. Using my real name feels too vulnerable, too abstract. Genesis DuLac--a very silly name, evoking Arthuriana--is already more concrete. I always feel better when I create new names. Like, I can imagine a more exciting and beautiful future for someone called Genesis. My birth name is too tied to my current reality.
Anyway, my girlfriend says I should try journaling each day to get myself back into writing. I feel awful when I don't write, but the pressure to create something GOOD is so immense nowadays that I can never write anything but silly poetry prompts for my students. Maybe it won't seem as impossible if I write as Genesis for a while.
Hiding in my office again. I think I'll die of mortification if my coworkers or, g-d forbid, one of my kids catches me crying in here.
I want to go home, but I'm a little afraid to. My girlfriend is barely holding her own head above water, and every time she gets sad I hyperempathize. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't compartmentalize like other people. I do not want to be selfish. I don't want to make other people's suffering about me.
I sort of miss when I was a teenager, if only because it's easier to be comforted when you have less of a vocabulary. Like, as a kid I'd just cry that I was lonely, lonely, and my mom would scoop me up and tell me making friends was difficult and I have many qualities that make for a good companion. Now I don't feel like "lonely" cuts it. I mean, what I really feel is that I'm not comfortable being a human. There's nothing wrong with who I am, I guess. I have a job, a girlfriend, an apartment, the ability to do well in school. I'll probably get my MLIS and get a higher paying job, and that will be fine. But every experience feels like too much. I mean, everything. I don't like eating anymore, even though I do. Interacting with people feels like tightroping walking. Every time I try to create something, I stop after the first step.
I feel like somebody's imaginary friend. I think if I were my "true self," I might not exist at all. I'm constantly playing this part...and it's so hard to feel close to anyone. I know everybody feels they're playing a part to some degree, but I just wish it didn't all feel so wrong. I don't really know where to go from here.
I'm not sure what to do in terms of my job. I know what I'm probably going to do, but the perfectionist part of me is fighting against it. I finally feel like I'm a pretty good teacher, but I do not feel this school is very ethical, and I know it's not what I want to do full time. Ugh. I guess I can always tutor and/or volunteer.