Getting it all off my chest

Hello everyone! I hope you don't mind me having a little bit of a rant on here and if anyone has any thoughts about anything I've typed below I'd love to hear them :)

I'm extremely down at the moment, hence why I am here, and I have been for quite some time. I wouldn't go as far as to call me depressed, but I'm very, very unhappy. For the most part I'm good at covering it up, but recently I've been increasingly showing my real feelings around friends and family. They keep taking it personally and making me feel even worse. There's a lot going on in my head at the minute but the main thing I want to talk about here involves careers and jobs.

I have no idea what I want to do, not a clue. I've had numerous jobs in the past. I left college a year early to persue a career path which I was really passionate about, had already been doing voluntary for years, and which made me really happy. I thought I was pretty set for life. I knew it wasn't a very well paying job, but I've never been the kind of person to need money to feel fulfilled; as long as I earned enough to live and maybe treat myself occasionally and I was happy. I worked at various places trying to persue this career and it was awful. Terrible working conditions, even worse pay than I could have imagined, no proper work contracts. I stuck by it for a good few years, convinced things would get better or I'd eventually get lucky and have a nice boss. I worked very long hours, weekdays and weekends. It was a physically demanding job, so I was tired out all the time. I didn't have the time or the energy for a social life or anything other than work, really. After almost 4 years I'm miserable and my plan for life is in shreds. Something I once loved I now hated (although I've started trying to get back into it as a hobby, when I can afford to).

So the plan was to have a change. Find a new career, something with more stable hours and a proper contract and wage (even minumum wage would be good enough for me). But the thing is, what do I do? I have absolutely no interest in anything. I'm all out of motivation. I don't even have any skills. Even the career I spent years persuing original I was only alright at, I wasn't good at it (I worked my ass off and you'd think after all that time I'd be pretty good but nope.) I quit my last job to give me some time to clear my head and work things out but I'm finding it so difficult. I have researched different jobs and careers like mad, for any idea of something which I could do or may interest me, but to no avail. I got work experience in an office to give that a try, and ended up with pretty awful anxiety. I've tried speaking to friends, family, online career help people, allsorts. But they all basically tell me they either don't know how to help me or to sort myself out and try just getting any old job.

I'm a failure. I dropped out of college, can't keep a job without getting dangerously close to depression, definitely do not want to go to uni, and have been exploited in numerous apprenticeships so I'm not trying that shit again. I haven't achieved anything for anyone to be proud of. I watch people around me doing great at work or at uni (or just life inn general), and of course I'm super pleased for them and try to look at them for the motivation to succeed, but just end up crying over what a failure I am. Like I said at the start, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, and I'm definitely not suicidal, but if I was to die in some sort of freak accident that would be alright with me.

I feel really selfish being like this, I feel like I dont have the right to be this down. I have a roof over my head, a caring supportive family, great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, a hobby I'm learning to start enjoying again, and yet I feel like this. I feel like my boyfriend shouldn't have to put up with my down days because I know he's been through enough crap himself; he deserves so much better than me.

I'm a useless watse of space, and I don't know what to do.

If anyone read this, thanks for sticking through it all and if you have anything at all to say about it then please let me know. THANK YOU ^-^