I Just Wish They'd See...

I work tirelessly to improve myself. Every day I check to make sure my body is clean, my room is in check, my bills are paid, my manners are intact, my tone is correct, my body language calm. I walk out into the living room and take a deep breath and I smile. I listen. I talk when all I want to do is lay down out on the porch and sleep. Sleep and forget and be forgotten.

But I try. I get up, and I TRY.

I go to work. I force myself to read hundreds of books on making friends, being noticed, being confident, making sure I am I voting and friendly. I follow every bit of advice to a T. I cram and memorize the information. I reach out and communicate. But they don't find me interesting. They don't find me worth listening to. I am ignored, and made fun of, never taken seriously and tossed to the side. They just don't like me.

But I TRY.

I try so... fucking hard! I try! I work day and night to be BETTER. To be more HUMAN. I know there's something wrong with me mentally! That I'm strange and fucking WEIRD and no one really likes me. I GET it. I KNOW.

But I'm TRYING.

Alex, my best friend, told Kara, my girlfriend, that he hates when he hears me call myself a wallflower, because people ignore me or overlook me. He gets mad at me and just says, "Well they're just not trying hard enough. They need to be more socially aggressive".

No one can fucking SEE. No one SEES ME. No one KNOWS OR CARES.

I'M TRYING!! Goddamn it I'm... I'm trying.

Please. Please see... please?