I don’t know what to do

This is a very long story, sorry in advance

(TW) ️ neglect. physical, emotional, sexual, substance, animal abuse. Dissociation, self harm, ED, sexual discussion, suicidal thoughts

The last three years of my life have been hell and I don’t know what to do. I lost my best friend at age 16 because of a falling out. He wanted to date and I wasn’t ready, so he found someone else. I cried for months after, only to be invited to a New Years party. At said party, the new couple was all over one another and I had no choice but to watch. My parents and his parents were friends so I, and his parents threw the party. That meant I had no way of removing myself from the situation.

This started the downhill spiral of regret, self hatred, and self destruction. I made friends with people who treated me poorly intentionally, I spent most nights up crying and self harming, my grades slipped. The first time I was offered nicotine I snatched it up greedily and ended up getting nic sick the first night. This is what ultimately began my cycle of addictions. I lost weight, developed bulimia and anorexia.

Then I got a new job, we’re fast forwarding all the way to when I was 17. Peak Covid season, brutal Midwest winters. No one could have warned me of the shit storm that was working in a restaurant. There was a new server a month into me working there, 24-25 at the time? He was immediately creepy as fuck. He would stay after if I was closing (I almost always was) and would watch me work whilst sipping on beers. This is what sparked what later would be my ex best friends and is relationship. Being shy and new, I asked the first female I came in contact with to walk me to my car. One thing led to another, and thus began a toxic gossip-filled friendship that no one else could touch. I trusted this girl with everything- was 100% honest with the good the bad, and the ugly. She saw every text message I sent, heard every detail of every story, even provided photographic evidence for some of these stories.

I’m getting ahead of myself, returning to the server. He would always approach me when I was isolated, discussed his various mental health issues with me (I never asked), and was again- super creepy. I again confided in my friend, but neither of us did anything. Eventually I spoke up about what was happening after a particularly uncomfortable moment. Of course- someone said something to him. That night he cornered me and shamed me for “sharing his personal life.” I admit, I should have kept my mouth shut. I understand why he was upset. But after that night I was terrified to be anywhere near him.

Until his schedule changed to closing with me.

He was around constantly after that. Everyone was aware of my discomfort but the ‘need to protect’ faded like petty gossip. So I let my guard down, and indulged him. I fell for him, when I looked into his eyes I saw something that reminded me of my best friend I had lost a year and a half prior. Shortly after I turned 18, we began dating. The first night when I went to his apartment- he kissed me despite my disagreement. My body froze, my mind numbed and suddenly it felt like I was out of my body. I was silent the rest of the time I spent there. For a moment it felt like I was a child screaming for someone to get off of me, but no sound ever left. I vaguely remember taking a shaky sip of water before sobbing the entire drive home.

I stayed with him after that, stupid- I know. I let him right back in and the next time we were alone it was worse. We were on the floor- his body thrusting against mine. He never raped me- I know it could have been so much worse, but I left after that.

Not long after the end of that relation ship did I start dating my last ex. He was 23, I was 18. At the time, both he and his sister worked as servers at The restaurant. We had all been friends, so it had been easy to transition to dating.

However, I had developed insomnia after my relationship with the aforementioned man. I was smoking nicotine, weed, drinking alcohol and cough syrup, cutting, and my eating disorders had gotten worse. I would have constant night mares when I could sleep, and would panic if men got too close to me. When I had tried to open up to my mom she had gotten angry with me. Additionally, my manager at the time had spread around what had happened so everyone knew.

Anyways, the relationship was doomed from the start. He was still in close contact with his ex, and told me there were things he could only share with her. They were living with his sisters ex husband at the time, and living conditions were less than ideal. Between 3 dogs, 3 adults, and 2 little girls, the place was trashed. The dogs would piss in the floor, and there was trash everywhere. This trend only got worse when the sister, her daughters, and my ex moved to a new apartment.

The apartment was absolutely trashed. Moldy food, broken smoke detector, rotting food in a broken fridge, dog feces everywhere, trash everywhere, furniture from the move strewn about, piles upon piles of dirty clothes. At the time, I was convinced this was just the result of laziness. I now understand and have educated myself on the affects of mental health, but at the time my concerns were on the daughters and the animals. I tried everything I could to help them. Paid for gas, worked overtime to afford groceries, rejected college to keep working, cleaned, spent money to take all of the clothes to the laundromat, cooked, babysat, picked the girls up from school, played with the dogs, and helped them move in in the first place. This was all before we had even hit six months.

At this point I was high constantly, completely defecting from my family, and nearly suffocating under the weight of this relationship. On top of this my ex had an incredibly high sexual drive. He constantly pushed my boundaries, even said that was what he was going to do. But never pushed far enough that I would consider it terrible. I would still get constant flashbacks, but after a while whenever things got physical, my mind would drift. The first time I had sex, it was on the floor, it was cold, and it hurt like a bitch. It hurt from every moment after, but I assumed it was normal. I voiced these concerns initially and he said he wanted me to tell him when it did and we could stop, which was kind. Ultimately though, I would normally shut down during sex and wouldn’t voice when it hurt. Not at least until hours later- which was my own fault.

Eventually, we began experimenting with rougher things. He said his ex liked choking, so we tried. It was fine I guess, nothing special. Then it turned to slapping. I entertained it most of the time. But there were a select few times where the look in his eyes shifted to genuinely aggressive, and he hit harder. There were other times outside of sexual scenarios where he would raise his hand like he was going to, but would back down. There were also occasions where he would grab my thighs to the point of me tearing up. One time he had pushed me to far, after nearly an hour of hurting me I slapped him back. I hate myself for it. Before I could apologize he did hit me even harder, but I know I deserved it. I still feel disgusting remembering that I did it.

During this time I learned of his animal abuse- it ran in his family. I watched him harm his sisters dog multiple times. And he admitted to so many other occasions to both me and my friend at the time. She heard his account herself- from his mouth. I reached out to his ex and she told me about his anger issues, his sexual abuse, physical abuse, and animal abuse problems. The worst of his problems (that he admitted to) are as follows:

(TW)

- Watching child porn

- Watching hentai child porn

- Touching his eldest niece when he was supposed to be wiping her

- Exposing himself to his youngest niece

- Encouraging his girlfriends to talk in childlike patterns

- Having a general porn addiction

I believe this was around six months. And I still stayed with him, I don’t know why I did but at the time I told myself it wasn’t as bad. I never told anyone- save for my best friend.

Towards the end of our relationship, I found his exs photos in his wallet. Found her nudes and of videos in his phone, as well as sexual messages exchanged between them. His sister and I had gotten into a fight over work- which she never forgave me for ( which is completely her choice, and I respect it).

Once we reached the bitter bitter end of this shit hole of a relationship- things got so much worse. My friend told his sister what I had told her, including the hitting. I had no evidence as he admitted in person, and over the phone. She insisted I was lying about what happened and everything hit the fan. She grilled my ex and of course he denied everything. My friend played nice to my face but in reality was completely slandering me up and down to everyone else. Everything I had confided had been twisted to her own narrative.

Then something unexpected happened- my best friend from years ago came back into my life. For the first time in nearly 3.5 years I had hope. I had the courage to break up with my ex. Coincidentally my ex friends boyfriend worked with my childhood friend. Her boyfriend decided to tell him I was crazy, abusive, and hit my ex. My friend told him to shut up surprisingly, insisting I wasn’t like that. Her boyfriend admitted later that he was making everything up. After confronting her, she denied everything- and I blocked everyone connected to her, my ex, and my old job. I quit the restaurant, and my childhood friend and I began dating. I heard rumors going around from my ex friend saying that I was toxic and abusive. But it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Fast forward to now. I unblocked her, and messaged her an apology for how I had ended things. She said she appreciated it, and to be polite I asked her if she was doing okay. She opted to respond by saying that she didn’t want any connection after what I did. I said I understood and that I didn’t want friendship either, after her part in everything. However, I genuinely hoped she was doing okay.

When I tell you this woman imploded, I mean imploded. She began going off about how I had made false accusations, lied about my ex being a pedo. She accused me of saying that he “molested kids.” I was completely baffled by this response and asked what I had exactly said, as I had absolutely no recollection of this. She deflected, only saying she remembered everything crystal clear over and over. Which is funny because she had a tendency to repeat (I smoke a lot of weed, I have a terrible memory) multiple times a day every.single.day. When we were friends. I asked if she was possible remembering details wrong as there was quite a lot I told her. This only made her angrier and she just reduced to petty comments which sounded nothing like the way she used to talk when we were friends.

I ended up reblocking her, and asked my family (who I had eventually opened up to) if I had said anything more than the above list. They all said my story aligned. I asked his ex if i had mixed anything up, and the story aligned with what he had admitted to. The only people saying I was a liar are the people I cutoff. However I can’t stop feeling crazy. I’ve wracked my brain for hours now. But I never even accused him, I had confided in my ex friend who had spread it out. I know I was miserable in that relationship, I knew I had done things I wasn’t proud of. I was so unhealthy and there are so many things I wish I could take back that I can’t. But I know for certain that I have not lied about molestation. My story has been consistent the entire time. But I am still miserable, I can’t help but feel consumed by all of these false accusations being thrown at me. I have been sober from cutting, and substance abuse since dating my now boyfriend, but I can feel the itch coming back. I can barely eat, I hate myself. I am willing to take responsibility for anything I have done wrong, but I know I haven’t done what they are saying.

I’ve been losing hours to dissociation, and I feel sick to my stomach. Am I a terrible person? I don’t know what to do.

Side note: he would also make comments about me not being thin enough to have an Ed, compare me to his ex, and exposed my ED to two men who had made me deeply uncomfortable at the time.

If you made it to the end of this. Thanks for listening, I accept any judgment cast. I apologize in advance for triggering anyone, but I don’t know where to turn anymore.