I feel low while relying on others who constantly disappoint

Dear Moi,

I feel like at one point my mood was starting to lift, the flu lessened but now I feel exploited and hopeless.

It's incredibly hard to reach out for help. I swallowed my pride and did it, only to be let down over and over and targeted because I'm ill and vulnerable.

I blame myself for not being able to cope and do it myself but I just could not assist myself. Now because I'm feeling bad, the pain is increasing.

I'm having trouble sleeping and have lost my appetite. Outwardly, I've taken the steps and things are supposed to be getting done one by one but because of the cancellations and preying on my urgent needs, asking for more cash slyly and giving excuses to not get it done....

I feel stuck. I just want to pay for a service, get it done and move on to the next pressing task but no matter what, it's not happening.

This week and next the schedule is full, people coming and going, crowding me, making me nervous and agitated.

It's essential so nothing I can cancel but promises keep being broken. I don't like confronting people or others with shoddy work ethics.

If it's me and I commit to doing something for someone else, I would complete it and not just go through the motions or gouge them for extras or deliberately make them feel bad.

I cannot stop stressing and it's out of my hands, one thing needs to get done before others can be finished off and it's dragging on.

I don't even know if I'm wasting my money and time, that I barely have.

People have always been to me intolerable and I really despise leaning on others for my requirements but it is necessary at times.

I just wish somebody would deliver. I can't progress. I can't feel any worse than I do right now.

Please please please please let Friday be successful. Please. I am so desperate for it to work out finally and if it doesn't, I am going to crumble and sink deeper.

There is so much pressure on me to do this and that, quickly, faster, immediately but how can I? I need others to do it before I can do the next thing.

Why is being sick such a weakness? Why must I apologise for it? I've been ill since my teenage or early twenties..

Nobody sees it as a significant detrimental impact on my abilities. I'm struggling to use my hands, to walk, to stand, to sit, the pain is creeping constantly.

I just want it over with.

There's no shoulder to cry on, not that I want anyone near me but today is particularly hitting me hard.

I do not have the energy to believe it will get positive... If giving up was possible, I would embrace it, relieved.