I just feel like writing tonight, read if you'd like

I'm a girl from Italy and I was born in a very normal family in a small village. I remember I had a really happy childhood, I was an active, normal child and I was really loved by my parents and relatives.

But then I think it all changed when I went to elementary school (or maybe I just forgot the years before). My mum and dad argued quite often and once I was so scared I called my aunt and she had to come to my house to stop my parents because I was sitting on the stairs crying like I had a river inside of me. After that I always thought how good it could be that they divorced and this went on until I was in middle school. Then I don't really know what happened, but my parents started arguing less and became a lot more loving towards each other.

I became an adolescent, which means I started having lots of problems. From a very energetic and outgoing child who talked with everyone, I became the shy and awkward thing I am now. I am almost sure I forgot my three years of middle school, I hated them. I was bullied because I had acne and I was chubby, but I tried not to listen to those who laughed at me. Then I had huge crushes on guys that didn't even know about me, but that my classmates went out with because they were cute and nice. I didn't know how to deal with boys at all!
Before starting high school, I dated this guy who was one of my friend's brother.I was madly in love, it was my first love, so I couldn't see anything/anyone but him. But it was a secret relationship, only three of my friends knew about us. We texted a lot, but we could barely talk to each other when we met. Eventually I broke up with him and I was devastated. I was depressed and didn't eat properly for a month and lost weight.

I started high school and I was so happy. My best friend, who went to another school, introduced me to a guy 4 years older than me and we liked each other ever since we met. We started dating and that was my very first boyfriend. We experienced a lot together, and I also have good memories, but after a while I got tired. Plus, we tried to have sex lots of times... it never went right and after breaking up I was grossed out by it, I didn't want to have sex anymore! Thinking about it now, I was too young and I was afraid I could lose him if I said I wasn't ready..
Anyways, my high school years were the best I have lots of great memories! I met people I'm still in contact now and we go out together sometimes, I also live with two of my classmate. But another thing that marked out my high school years was me questioning my sexuality. As I said before I didn't want to have sex with a guy again, so I thought I might have been gay and that came to my mind because I started dating my best friend. We kissed accidentally while we were on holiday and it felt great. I thought I finally found the perfect person for me, I thought that it was easier going out with a girl, with her in particular. We could talk about everything and she could understand me way better than anyboy. (And the sex was great, too, I wasn't scared nor grossed out anymore!) However, we broke up after a year I guess, but stayed friends and still kissed sometimes and also had sex for about a year, then we carried on with our lives. I started liking other girls and I was 95% sure I was a lesbian, but I never had another girlfriend so I was just waiting to see what would have happened.

End of high school. I went to university! I was so excited at the beginning, but it was the worst year of my life. A lot happened, it was way too much to deal with so I snapped: I started having anxiety, I felt pretty bad physically and I started having lots of stupid fears. First, it was so difficult for me getting to know people, in fact for the first two months of university I barely talked. I always felt sick and skipped lectures a lot. I started smoking and drinking with my flatmates and their friends. (I wasn't addicted, but it was like I wanted to suffocate my feelings). At the end of the first semester I finally got to know some people at university thanks to being in group with them. Actually the second semester was a bit better because I could talk with them and had someone other than my flatmates.

But if that was now fine, my parents almost divorced because my dad started texting with another girl and kinda fell in love with her and my mum was so sad... I on the other hand didn't feel anything. I was just "okay, break up if you don't love each other anymore". I felt so bad about that, but I guess I was thinking that ever since elementary school, so... Anyways, another great thing happened: my ex-girlfriend found a boyfriend (thanks to me) and they started dating. I though I was over that, I mean we were together two years before... but I was devastated. I don't think I was jealous, I felt more betrayed. She has changed a lot since then and I don't feel like she's the same person anymore... Plus, at the beginning I even went out with them, but it turned out to be unbearable for me. They were/are too lovey-dovey I wannavomit! I mean we were going out together and they held hands the whole night, they kissed every two seconds and I didn't know what to do! We started distancing a lot... but she's still my flatmate...

And now it comes to this year aka my second year of university! After failing half of my exams I was still able to get to the second one (luckily!) and it's way better than last year, but still had lots of anxiety. So I decided to be helped by a counsellorand I'm so happy I did it! It's just the best decision I've ever made and that woman is helping me a lot and I feel way better... butsometimes I just fall into that vortex of nightmares again.
The main things in this year so far are that I have this huge crush on a classmate and that I came to terms with my eating disorder. Well, let's talk about this last thing. When I'm alone I binge, I can't control myself and this thing sucks. I always had issues with my body and my weight ever since middle school when I was bullied. "I wannabe thinner" is what I think about the most, but in the end I just eat a lot to comfort myself and fill the void inside of me. I really feel hopeless sometimes, it happened more often in the past, but now it's way more difficult to handle. It happens rarely, but it's ten times heavier than before if you know what I mean.
Okay, enough for that (tonight was one of those times so.. I don't really wannatalk too much about that...). My crush, what should I say? I like him so much, I like everything about him. I feel like we're so similar... and well, we're both shy and I guess that's why we don't really talk that much. But I like those few times when we do that, I feel so calm and relieved with him. I love his smile and when he laughs, I wanna be the one that makes him laugh. I always think about running my hand through his hair or touching his face... kissing those lips, they should be really soft and warm. I really wanna confess what I feel for the first time and my counsellor is helping me a lot with that. I just gave up on so many things in the past that I don't wanna do that again! This time I will give everything I have, I'll be strong and brave and next week he'll know everything before the Christmas break starts. Yet I'm really afraid of the consequences, but I shouldn't think about that now, it's not like I'm gonna die, right? Sometimes it gets really unbearable that I can't hide these feelings anymore, I have to say it!

I guess that's all. It's actually too damn long and sorry if I made mistakes or I repeat stuff: English is not my first language and it's pretty late here, plus it took me more than one hour to write this, so I don't think I'm gonnaread it again to check the grammar, I guess I'll go to bed. This helped me a lot, I really needed to share my story, I'm taking a deep breath now. Have a nice day/night/whatever ?