I just keep coming back to the same awful feeling

I know everything's pointless. that's just kind of objective at this point. like I know none of it matters and I should have fun while I can. but I just am miserable all the time no matter what I try and I don't even know if I want to get better because then everything would still be just as bad but I'd be able to be oblivious to it.

I can barely function day to day. I know I'm going to drop out of college. Ive only been here 3 fucking weeks and I'm already skipping classes because I just don't have the energy to do any of it. I cry over sending emails and not knowing how to do math homework like an actual child. I feel so awful because I don't want to be here but I still don't want to be at home. I just don't want to be anywhere and it always comes back to that. Everything comes back to the fact that I don't feel like I belong here. I don't want to be here and I don't want bad things to keep happening.

I seriously thought about checking myself into a psych ward. I literally sit around and daydream about dying. I don't have any hobbies anymore. Everything I draw I hate. I can't focus to read. I'm too scared to go for walks because I dnot want people to look at me and I've convinced myself I could get attacked walking on my own. And that's all my hobbies have ever been because I have a sad fucking life and always have. I do nothing but sit and be miserable. Checking social media makes me angry or sad so I just do my homework and listen to music or whatever and sleep. When I can fall asleep.

I haven't spoken to anybody besides the people I buy food from in a month and a half. If the point is to have fun then I don't have any reason to be here because I can't have fun. Any slightly good day always ends with me spiralling and feeling so gut-wrenchingly awful that I'd rather just be numb all the time anyway. It's like I have to pay for one hour of happiness with 3 days of barely being able to drag myself out of bed. Which I didn't do at all yesterday.

I know I need to stop wallowing and start working to make things better and that nothing will get any easier if I lean into my thoughts and cry about whatever my dumb fucking problem of the day is but I just. I don't have a reason to want to get better. With the way the world is maybe I should be depressed. With the way I act maybe I should just stay sad. I don't think any of my problems are going to be any better if I put in the rigorous work needed to even slightly improve my state of mind so why even try. I don't care at all except that I'm sad and that ive been eating too much which makes me a fucking narcissist so. whatever. leave me the same generic "it gets better!" comment I guess. Or dont. I keep coming back to the same feeling in my throat everytime anyway because there's nothing of substance within my entire being. Cool.