I just want to feel okay

Diary Entry – August 23, 2024

It’s been two years since I was removed from boarding school. Leaving didn’t solve anything, though. I’ve always felt like the odd one out, like I’m on the outside looking in, trying to figure out why I don’t fit in as easily as everyone else.

Back when I was at boarding school, I had a psychological assessment. Reading that report now, it’s like seeing all my struggles laid out in front of me. The report mentioned that I over-worry and overthink things. It’s true—my mind is constantly racing.

I’ve always tried to keep it together, masking how I really feel to everyone around me. The report highlighted my low self-esteem and self-worth, and how I seem trapped in a negative cycle of thinking. I can’t seem to see the positives in my life, even though I know they’re there. reading this back I feel like I can still really relate to this and it upsets me to think that perhaps I have not got any better since then.

The psychologist said I’m a perfectionist, which is something I’ve known about myself for a long time. I set these incredibly high standards, and when I don’t meet them, I feel like I’m not good enough. The report mentioned that this perfectionism could lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem—things I’ve definitely been struggling with even to this current day.

I feel like I have lost motivation. I used to be driven able to push myself to excel in everything I did, but now it’s like I’m stuck. When I can’t achieve the perfection I’m aiming for, it feels pointless for me to even try. The psychologist suggested at the time that the demands on me should be reduced for a while, that I need time and space to clear my mind. They also suggested weekly meetings with my tutor to help manage the stress and anxiety, but looking back I’m not sure how much it actually helped. The anxiety and low mood are still there, and sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions.

The report also hinted at the possibility that I might have mild characteristics of being on the autism spectrum. I didn’t know what to think about that then, and I still don’t. It’s something that was never fully explored, but it left me wondering if maybe that’s why I’ve always felt different, why I struggle with things that seem to come so easily to others. But at the same time, it’s just another thing that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.

I went to therapy after being removed from school, hoping it would help. At first, it seemed to be working—I was learning coping mechanisms and had someone to talk to. But then, after a while, I was discharged because the symptoms appeared to have improved. I was relieved, but part of me felt like I was left hanging. The feelings of anxiety and low self-worth didn’t disappear just because I wasn’t in therapy anymore. They’ve been creeping back in, and lately, I’ve been struggling with the fear that I might relapse into old habits. I haven’t self-harmed in a while, but the urges are there, and I’m scared I might go back to that place.

Adding to that, I’ve had suicidal thoughts. They’re not constant, but they come and go, lurking in the background. I’m terrified of the idea of acting on them, but the thoughts are enough to make me question how much longer I can keep going like this. I don’t know if I’d ever have the strength to follow through, but just having those thoughts feels like a heavy burden. It’s like there’s a part of me that’s yearning for escape, even though I know deep down that’s not the answer.

I also hate the way I look. I feel so uncomfortable walking around in public, like everyone’s eyes are on me, picking apart everything that’s wrong with me. It’s not just in my head either—I can feel my anxiety rise the moment I step out of the house. My heart races, my palms get sweaty, and I just want to hide. No matter how much I work out, I feel like I’ll never have the muscles to look good. I see other guys who seem so strong and confident, and I just feel weak in comparison. My voice doesn’t help either. People always assume that I’m gay because of it, and I hate that. It makes me feel even more self-conscious, like I have to change who I am just to avoid being judged.

And then there’s this other thing that’s been eating away at me—I can’t seem to get a girlfriend. It’s not like I haven’t tried, but it never works out. I see other people in relationships, and they seem so happy, so loved. I want that too, more than anything. I want to feel important to someone, to have someone look at me and see something worth loving. But it feels like that’s impossible for me. Maybe it’s because I’m too afraid to let anyone get close, or maybe it’s because I don’t even love myself, so how could anyone else?

I did have a girlfriend about a year ago, but that ended badly. She treated me really poorly, and after I broke up with her, things got worse. She attacked me at school, spread false and hurtful rumors about me It was a nightmare, especially since it all happened while I was trying to focus on my GCSEs. It made everything so much harder. I felt terrible, like I couldn’t concentrate or do anything right. It was one of the lowest points I’ve ever been through. A while ago, she sent me an apology message, which was surprising. Part of me wanted to forgive her, but another part of me is still hurt and angry. It’s hard to let go of the pain she caused, even if she’s sorry now.

What makes it all feel even worse is this sense that I’m fundamentally wrong, like there’s something broken inside me. I seem to cause every argument at home, and for some reason, I escalate every fight I get into. I sometimes find myself starting arguments online or in person for no reason at all, just to feel something or to get out some of this frustration. I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. It feels like I’m constantly creating conflict, and it makes me feel even more isolated and misunderstood. It’s like I’m trapped in a cycle of self-destruction, where I’m pushing everyone away and then wondering why I feel so alone.

What makes everything harder is when my parents say things like there’s something wrong with me during arguments. I know they’re just angry and probably don’t mean it, but it still cuts deep. When they say things like that, it just confirms all the fears I have about myself—that I’m broken in some way, that I’ll never be enough. I know arguments can get heated, but hearing that from them makes everything worse. It’s like they’re reinforcing every negative thought I already have, and it’s hard to shake off those words once they’ve been said (These words are both sided, Both me and my parents have some form of fault in these arguments and I 100% say stuff I don't mean back - I'm not trying to absolve myself).

I know this is a public forum, and I’m aware that some might think I’m seeking attention by sharing all of this. But that’s not what this is about. I just need to put my feelings into words, to let people know how I’m truly feeling. It’s hard to express this in person or even to those around me, and I’m afraid of causing more conflict/embarrass myself at home or being misunderstood. So, this is my way of trying to be heard, of letting out everything I’ve been keeping inside. I’m not looking for pity, just a place to be honest about how much I’m struggling.

I just want to feel okay, to stop feeling like I’m not enough, but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know if I ever will.

Thank you for reading this <3

-Sailboat