I miss me
Hey,
Welcome to my spot!
Idk if I'll do this again, but I'm trying my best to be ok, and this is an attempt :D
Since this is a Diary, I need to give it a name.
I'll call him Sage.
(A trigger warning will be added when appropriate.)
Dear Sage,
I'm struggling.
I'm trying to be okay, but it aint working.
I miss me.
I miss having feelings, being happy or sad or angry. Now I only feel anxiety. Overwhelming anxiety and numbness.
TW------I self-harm to feel something, to gain a sense of control. It makes me guilty, but I don't want to stop anymore. It doesn't matter.-----
No one cares.
They betrayed me, it's expected for me to become like this, really.
TW------- My cousin was like a brother to me. I'll never forget the first time he kissed me. It was disgusting. I can feel his hands on me, it burns. I hate him. So much. and there goes.. my cousin, my best friend, betrayed me. not once, or twice... but six times.-------
TW------- The emotional abuse I've been receiving from my mother for the past 5 years is overwhelming. She was never like this. Always my home, my comfort. Never someone I'm afraid to talk to. Now I feel nauseous when I get an occasional hug from her. and there goes my other best friend.-------
I have no one to care. I lost the ones who ever did.
I don't feel happiness when I paint.
That one hits hard. For the longest time, painting was the reason I got out of bed. Now it doesn't matter.
Today was alright, but two panic attacks and a fight with my mom really dampened the mood.
I miss how things were.
I just want to be Ok. Therapy isn't doing much, but maybe I just need to be patient...
Yours,
Dija
(Thursday, July 18th, 2024, 1:17 am)
Dear sage,
Life is frustrating.
My parents, my family, my classmates. They frustrate me.
Nobody cares about me, it seems.
I'm always alone, left to look out for myself.
I need someone to be there for me, but no one is.
I need a hug from someone, but I can't get that except once every couple of months when I meet my best friend.
I have to go to my grandmother's today, and I'm dreading it. I don't want to meet my cousin. I don't want to listen to racist comments from my grandmother and uncle. I don't want to go. I spoke to my mom, I told her I hated going. She's confused why... she knows about my cousin...
I don't know how someone could pass over such a situation, how they could forget about it so quickly.
It hurts.
No one cares.
Yours,
Dija
(Friday, July 19, 2024, 1:31 am)
----TW----
Dear Sage,
I did it again.
So many cuts.
I'm scared of myself.
I'm supposed to go out with Roqaya tomorrow, I have something to look forward to.., but it doesn't matter anymore.
Today my cousin sat next to me everywhere. I couldn't get rid of him. He kept touching me, it's disgusting.
My entire arm hurts so much, and the smell of blood is making me dizzy.
I had five panic attacks today, I'm on the verge of number six.
I hate this.
Yours,
Dija.
(Friday, July 19, 2024, 11:49 pm)
Happiness: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
Happiness: Something I don't deserve...
Dear Sage,
Today, I was happy for a while.
I met Roqaya.
I was happy, or as close to that as I can get...
I don't deserve to be happy, though.
TW------- So, I cut myself. In the bathroom. Where no one would stop me.
I deserve it, the pain.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm disgusting and horrible, I hate myself.
I'm glad I met her, but I really don't deserve it.
I'm sorry, Dija. I hate you.
yours,
Dija
@PastaIsVeryUnderrated (Saturday, July 20, 2024, 10:58 pm
-----TW-----
Dear Sage,
My cousins' grandma died.
I never liked her, she was mean to me.
But I do feel bad for my little cousins.
My mom is mad at me for not being sad about her passing.
I just wanna make my mom happy.
I have to fake being sad.
I hope I dont have to go to the funeral tomorrow.
Yours,
Dija.
(Saturday, July 20, 2024, 11:29 pm)
Dear Sage,
I haven't written in a while, and this will be short.
I'm having artist's block, and it's frustrating me a lot.
I want to paint and find inspiration, but my mind is just blank
Painting is the only time I don't feel horrible, it's really sad that I'm unable to do it at the moment.
I miss it a lot.
I'm frustrated.
Yours truly,
Dija
(Sunday, July 28, 2024, 3:36 am)
Dear Sage...
There's a lump in my throat.
Every time I breathe I feel that wave of sad nausea wash over me.
My eyes are burning.
My heart is beating fast.
My body is telling me to cry, but I just can't do it.
I need to cry.
Everything has been bottled up for so long.
But I just can't do it.
TW------- There's no other way to release my emotions except cutting, and being here------
"I need to cry...but I cant... get anything out of my eyes" -juliet
Life hurts.
I'm sad.
yours,
Dija
(Sunday, July 28, 2024, 5:45 am)
@PastaIsVeryUnderrated Two items to cover:
- Self-harm is bad. You probably already know that. Perhaps try to let your emotions out through a painting or two instead?
- I agree with your netonym. In some places, pasta is underrated too often. Viva Italia!
@slowdecline48 1. I can try to do that, I hope I get over artist's block soon lol
2. ikrrr