I think im sinking. Just really need to vent

Ive been crying on and off for the past 15 hours. Our family trip is now my familys trip minus me. The feeling of utter abandonment fills me. You would think that every year when we plan a family trip and me eventually being left out and left behind would eventually stop hurting. But today its hurt me more than anything. Lately ive been feeling detached from everything around me. Like I'm stuck and rooted to some spot or just stuck at the bottom of the ocean having to watch life happen all around me and being forced to watch. I feel like no mater how hard I try i just cant keep up. And with this I felt like i broke. It was like waving in my face that I dont get to join life. I can't enjoy my life. I was purposely left out and I feel like it just echoes off my already existing feelings. My crisis with thoughts that I'm not getting better and I can't move forword or make any progress in my life. I feel already stress. My asthma is acting up from the stress and from sobbing. I really need this trip to relax and intergrate myself in the flow even if it was temporary. But now....im left back at my starting point :emotionally distressed, worrying about everything and that am I even making any progress on my life, feeling like the black sheep again, wanting to drink my brains out and wondering if I made the right descision in not ending it. I always feel regret for that. But then i feel guilty for even that thought cause ive promised not to self harm. I'm just lost.