Just letting all out and looking for a little advice.

I'm tired and my anxiety climbs the closer I get to going back to a church service, not because of the pandemic though. I've went to the same church all my life and there are good people there, they have helped me so much at times but they also can gossip and talk badly about other members. Recently a family has had a lot of health issues, they are bad, some members are gossiping about them about how they should be at church. They can't even go to work, so I doubt they even have the finances to do much. But for some reason instead of being concerned people talk bad about them.

Another situation where our youth leader had an eating problem, she got it under control and lost a lot of weight. Which is great for her, but now if you have even a little bit of weight on you or enjoy food she talks down to you about it. How everyone needs watch their weight and how enjoying food and talking about what we enjoy to eat is wrong. "We're making it and idol" she says. I'm sorry if I enjoy the rolls and butter at texas roadhouse but dang they are good and I might get to eat there once a year. She shouldn't make her problem an issue for all of us and then try to make it a sin. She also doesn't like opinions that differ from hers and she mothers everyone. Multiple people have had issues with it and said something but she hasn't listened.

Recently my husband had surgery and had been out of work for almost 3 months now between healing and the holiday leave, we haven't had much money coming in. Barely making it at times and he didn't have insurance on top of that so we have some pretty hefty bills coming in. Thankfully he just went back to work. But we missed church for awhile because he couldn't do anything. And then we didn't have the money, so our car insurance ended, our phones were cut off, our water cut off, we didn't have gas money even if we decided to take the car out recklessly. Some people from our church gave us a lot of food and we are very thankful for them. But the majority didn't call or ask how we were, they just made comments how we were like the other family missing service all the time. My husband has emergency surgery and they say something like that, we were struggling to make it. It was so bad I had to ask my mother for a loan, she is in prison and that money was for her lawyer to help reduce her sentence. I have never felt more like trash in my life.

Our church is very small I have known these people all my life and they have always been a big part of my life. But this past year it's like I don't even know them anymore. They have changed and if I don't go along and deal with it then I'm the bad guy, I'm the sinner. I'm just at a point where I don't want to go and be a part of it and deal with the gossip and the comments. And then if you say something about it to them they will make it out like your the one that is wrong and I just don't know what to do.

I have cried and stressed, my anxiety is so bad over it, I don't want to go back but if I don't these people who I thought loved me and cared won't have anything to do with me and my family. But then again they don't now even though we are having a hard go right now. I'm lost and I don't know what to do.