Laying it out

I don’t know if this will reach you. Maybe you’re over it. Maybe you’re not even on anymore. I don’t look, because I’ve learned I’m not strong enough and can’t get back into anything. Maybe this will only be helpful for me.

Obviously I haven’t felt closure on everything yet. Some details have been processed long ago, some took time, some I stayed stuck on.

I feel like what’s right is to not try to explain anything anymore, not to try to talk about things I’ve felt from you, but just lay out my own admissions and faults.

I want you to know that, once it completely ended, I was no longer upset with you that it had ended. I had accepted it at that point, I guess because I felt it coming for a while and had somewhat prepared. My first admission is: there were details I had trouble making peace with, because I got defensive. If it helps to have an example, when you’d say things like you wished I’d been more understanding. I don’t mean to rehash any further details. I just want to admit that I would get defensive because I thought I had been understanding. In my defensiveness, I would then try to explain things in a way to feel some understanding from you. I’ve always said I might not have been as understanding it or for as long as someone else might’ve been. I also felt it was fair to say that i might’ve been more understanding than some people would be. I didn’t like feeling painted as a bad person because I made decisions that felt healthiest for me. Healthiest for me means that I consider my strengths and weaknesses in my choices. Healthy for me doesn’t equate to you being unhealthy or anything bad about you. None of this is meant to insinuate that you did anything wrong. The point is, I could have controlled my defensiveness so that you could have had your feelings. Period.

When I came back, I thought I had processed things enough to coexist. I knew myself enough to avoid certain things, but when I happened upon other things, even the slightest reference to me, I got triggered. I’m not trying to say that you should or shouldn’t have said anything, because i understand that you were trying to do good by being vague, and you needed that outlet. Admission: I could have handled my triggers differently. Sometimes I did. Other times it built up and i felt the need to stand up for myself. I thought that was an acceptable thing to do in my space given the circumstances, but now I wish I didn’t. I always think it will be acceptable for me to do what I see others do, but i do things differently. All it did was put me in a cycle that perpetuated the situation. I began to feel out of control of myself, and I didn’t like it. I had other options. I could have known myself well enough to know it wasn’t a good idea to come back. I could have looked beforehand to see what things were like first. I could have just left again. I could have controlled my emotions and reactions and just tried to avoid better. I didn’t know all that at the time and just did the best I could in each moment, but that’s not meant as an excuse. I am learning.

So I left again and processed the new information. Admission: but I still stayed stuck and upset at times. I was bitter that I felt I had to leave in the first place. All the history I had there. It was all I had for years. I do know myself well enough that I am not good at letting things roll off my back. Even if someone’s not doing anything “wrong”, if it hurts me I have a hard time being near it and just not worrying about it. That’s no one else’s problem but my own. Emotional regulation, my OCD, lots of things convolute my thinking. I was resentful that it had once been a kind of safe place for me, one that helped me through some very difficult times. I had problems there before I even met you, but I had worked through those, and even strengthened some relationships as a result. I did not want to let those go. But eventually the weight of all these situations and embarrassment felt like too much to try to salvage anymore. I talked about it with outside opinions and weighed pros and cons. It felt like the right thing to do was take the chaos (me) out of the equation. That didn’t mean I had fully accepted it emotionally, though I was trying.

I’ve fluctuated between trying to explain, silencing myself, feeling depressed, and just being angry. The anger flooded me recently, and I was so angry at myself for ever trying to explain. Admission: I felt angry at you for rejecting my explanations, even making joking type comments, like my feelings weren’t good enough or like there was no empathy for my part in the situation. I think perhaps you’ve felt that from me as well in different ways. I thought I had tried to communicate understanding and empathy, but I think now perhaps I could have done a better job then. I’m sorry for that. I sort of felt like i was in your sights, a target, no matter what I did or where i was, simply because the relationship had ended. I felt like I lost everything and was still perpetually the villain. I guess it is not generally understandable that I ended it or how. Admission: this still confuses me, but I also accept it now. I do believe there is some very real darkness in my soul. I thought I was aware of it, but I think there are things I don’t even know I do that probably shock other people. The truth… It’s not your job to try to be understanding of me. Your job is to focus on you, your healing, your health. You are allowed to feel hurt by me, sad, angry, confused. I’m allowed to feel those things too, even if you don’t agree. I don’t think either of us are bad people (and of course I get that you might disagree); I think we’re two very traumatized people who genuinely tried to make something work while needing very different (I still believe understandable) things.

There have been times I believe I did damage, even when not angry but calm, by trying to talk about my observations. My mind analyzes to excess. It tries to figure out roots and reasons for things and continues ruminating until something makes sense. That’s what helps me emotionally process things, although I’m trying to work on letting go even when i can’t resolve something. I try to figure people out. I do it to myself. I know you knew me well enough and long enough to know this is true. The kinds of things I think I see - I say the same things about myself. How many times did you see me analyze myself apart. On a daily basis. Even when we were still on good terms, I regularly called myself out for things most people don’t want to admit to or even talk about, like being passive-aggressive, anger issues, codependent, paranoid, jealous, mentally immature, impulse control, too sensitive/overreacting, wondering if I was being narcissistic even. I second guessed myself constantly.

Admission: I was never wise like people said sometimes. What it actually was, was simply me recognizing things in people that I myself have done or experienced at one point or another. I guess it would be like projection, but with recognizing and owning that I do this stuff too. Some I’ve worked through, some I still do. I tell people what I think, because it’s helped open my eyes when they told me what I’m doing too. In my head i think it will also help other people to know what they might be doing. It’s taken me time to understand that these things often do not get absorbed the way I hope they will. To me it’s exchange of ideas. Almost cold really. But instead of reaching common understandings, I can cause people to feel attacked, resist, shut down, and retaliate. I don’t always understand why/how it causes problems in some mutual relationships, and I have theories why I don’t understand that aren’t relevant here. But I can see why it’s outright rejected and unhelpful when the relationship is over.

I’m deeply sorry that because of my poor behavior and shortcomings I could not make a friendship with you work. I think it would have been nice to stay friends if I could have handled my triggers better. I’m very sorry for the ways I hurt you. I never would have imagined things going the way they did. I never wanted you to feel ultimately silenced, abused, depressed, worthless, and the multitude of other things you’ve likely felt.

Sadly, sometimes I sincerely thought I was offering information for closure, but it only seemed to make things worse for you. I spent a lot of time confused and re-reading my own messages. I do not use writing much as a form of communication with anyone anymore. Unfortunately I have no other way to reach you. So I try to spew my feelings one last time and hope that something I say here - the energy and intention with which I send this - will meet you somewhere in the universe and maybe do some good.

I don’t blame you for anything, ok? I hope you can let that go for yourself. I don’t want you to hold onto any of it, if you still are.

I may not have covered everything I should have that you may need to hear, and for that I am sorry. I want to just offer my deepest apology to you - for everything. I hope you can forgive me. I will not be looking for that, and believe you have the right not to.

I said it before, but maybe it did not come across as true. I do think you are a good person. I do think you have a lot to offer in friendships and relationships. I put those affirmations together once upon a time for a reason. They are true, and they’re not my words. Even if everything else I’ve said here comes across as B.S., you can hold onto what your real friends have said. Other people see it. They’re not just generic platitudes. And you’ve had many more since then. I really do wish you well and hope that things will get better for you. I hope they already have. Sending you peace and good wishes for your healing journey.