Me just venting I guess?

Because I am very concious about other's problems... Trigger Warning:

Depression, Suicide, Eating Disorders, Bullying, Death, Family Death, Self Harm, Anxiety, PTSD.

I recently got back into therapy after a year. I went to the rape crisis center the first time and they didn't let me go back after I missed three appointment. I went two times at an actual place (by this I mean paid by insurance not government) this time and she told me I was too damaged for her to actually help me alone. She said I should get on meidication and maybe get checked into a hospital. I told my friends and they said that was a bad idea. I couldn't tell them why she said that though, because they changed the subject like they didn't really care. I know they did though maybe?

Anyways, I really need to write down what I'm feeling to get some of it off my chest and I can't bring myself to tell my friends, because I think it's not imortant enough. They all have their own problems and I don't want to make them feel worse.

So, I've been suicidal for maybe a year. I am allergic to a very common thing and I constantly get ideas of taking things that hhave that in it and I don't know how to stop myself. Literally, the only thing that stops me is I'm almost never alone because I don't leave a very busy house. I've tried medicine and therapy and it doens't help at all. Last time I took medicine I ended up self harming and I'm thinking of doing that again. I had a break down a week ago and didn't have a thing to do it so I scratched myself, dug my nails into my skin, and hit the street several times. I feel that coming back and I don't know what to do. I usually relapse every few months, but it feels like it's happening every week now. I can't stop thinking about these things and I don't know how to stop. I'm uninsuranced now and I don't think I can handle not getting help anymore. I feel like my friends feel they are more important and that moving out is. I know it's important because the group is not in the best situation, but I don't think I can handle a job. I had one a year ago and I had a breakdown almost everyday and had a panic attack every hour almost. I know the place isn't good for any of us, but I'm currently living with one of my molestors and I can't even go to my parents for help. My father recently died and my mom has been forced to live with my other molestor because of money problems. She's not doing good healthwise and I"m going to lose her this year and I don't know what to do when that happens. I just want to leave and not turn back. I really want to start my writing career and art career, but I can't write or draw without feeling like I'm wasted everyone's time.

I'm useless and I know it. I had a massive panic attack one night because my best friend had one and her brother told me her boyfriend would have a better time calming her down. I figured out I was useless then. I ran to the room and when no one came to help I went through all the different things that I could be useful for and I found zero. I have been obsessing over something that I was better at so no one could replace me, but I can't fnd one and they're starting to get mad at me for trying, because finding something I'm the best at is stupid. I've been slowly getting worse and no one has noticed. I don't know what to do and I feel like I won't last.

I was going to get a surgery for weight lose, but I cna't now because of my insurance change. I have been going back to checking my weight and eating less because I've gained so much weight and I just want to cut it all off. I can't stand being this big and it's causing so much trouble or everyone. I take up too much room and I'm just a nuissance. I know everyone is just nice because they feel bad and I'm starting to think me having friends is all one big joke. Or at least I'm starting to feel like this is it more than usual. I've always thought that and I feel like if I leave it would be better for everyone. I just don't know what to do now and I'm losing the ability to hide my feelings. I know if I don't I'm going to get kicked out and I don't know what I'll do if I'm alone for more than an hour.

I've literally only been alive this long because I feel like I don't deserve to die. I've felt like this for so long and everyone I tell just says that's good, because I won't kill myself. I'm starting to feel like nothing will happen if I kill myself and that's the only thing stopping me at this point.

I'm so sorry I took this much time, but thank you for reading this if you have. Again I'm so sorry.