Modal0154: journal 3
If in the future, there is a device which can read the emotionality, the pain of what was written on the internet (a) this site would be, will become a h--l of a time capsule and (b) that disturbing 'Will possessed and feeling a burning feeling' scene from 'Stranger things' season 2 would happen*.
*proving the dumba--ry which was 'boomer parenting.
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+7.6 billion and when you rag about humanity actually bother to figure out the percentages by age groups and you might actually feel f--g shame for essentially yelling at mainly room full of kids under 14*.
* and that long friggin before pulling out the cards about privledge and non-English speakers.
@Modal0154
it's the technically-less-in-numbers parents, it's the chain of command of employers of their parents you need to watch out for..
it's those old entitled nitwits who are experiencing the first time historical novelty of living longer collectively than most humans ever had before which you need to watch out for.
@Modal0154
I'm firmly of the conviction to barely allow myself to trust anyone and it applies doubly to older ppl.
@Modal0154
those old entitled and ignorant nite it's you need to watch out for.
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'_' Look I apologize for getting carried away. I accidentally kill an ant in my weary, perpetually obsessive insomniac struggling with sleep way, I'm going to yell a s--tload of stuff with an undertone essentially screaming "AVENGE ME!", as my counterproductive way of getting carried away
yyyyyyyyyyy Espanol =_= ..
When you darkly feel the guarantee/certainty deep down that the few things which can end stupid indifference and not just the ugly a-- power dynamics which grow on top of them is choicelessly borderline life-threatening shame and you do it fearfully paper how your not to sure if can repeat doing this or how honestly often is it needed to be evoked.
@Modal0154
Frankly when it comes to where this site stands in being representative of this issue*, I'm let down.
* [negative adjectives] boomers v. actively involved and 'woke' millenials and post-millenials.
I'm upset.
La cosa importante es realisando que no fue intencional pero dentro de mi interior yo soy agnostico-miso- o disteista y instantes como estos me provoca a pensar que sere castigado en un modo unpredecible aunque sepo que realmente soy severmente bajo practicando, debehilitantemente cuando se trata de sometiendo me a riesgo.
Voices.
Hmm..viendo come hay articulatos academicos acerca de esto, me gusta '_'
https://www.aaai.org/ocs/index.php/ICWSM/ICWSM11/paper/viewFile/2847/3275
>~< El Olvido feo que es todo entre Stoney Creek hasta Dundurn en esta cuirass.
Fitness models*
Female fitness models.
It's interesting and appealing to see muscularity on females. I find it interesting and appealing to see muscularity on females. What makes me...envious?, self-resenting?, triggered with an inferiority complex?..is that I can in way reciprocate in terms of this finite, fragile, un-unique meat space I occupy** and hence I think to myself how in some arguable fantasy scenerio where I could click with a female fitness model***, one reason**** I would feel inadequate is b/c of my body.
Even when it comes to how I seemingly have remained 'skinny' since I was ending being 16, there are some dangerous and sad habits in there--but I at least suppose that what I have right now is 'a better start' to say looking Zac Efron from belt-line to chin--now about looking like Zac Efron there******.
Is it fair to say that looking like a fitness model, a female or male fitness model, in this case a male one is a 'luxury' symbol..in poor countries you 'work out' to get paid (your mileage may vary on several levels and for several reasons if you choose to continue this 'practise' in a postindustrial or post-tertiary industry sector setting), in 'rich countries' you can say it's the reverse in that you pay to work out (gym culture).
Understand how I'm thankful for the advocation of fitness and healthy lifestyles just as I am for the advocation of mental health improvement ^1..but I think that when it comes to males at least, the peddled image of magazine cover worthy 'beefcake' is an expectation that to consistently keep is a friggin luxury [b/c..insert what millenials s--k at here].
*=_= this i admit related to my pornography obsessions: let me be upfront and not lewd with that.
** I mean my body
*** and here is where apodyopsis based fantasies and risque social media photos can fill in
****b/c reality s--ks, reality s--ks in how it resists simplicity...why else am I on this site?, how come uttering the lower rungs of Maslow's hierarchy or this https://therationalpessimist.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/modern-maslow-jpeg.jpg is nearly nihl effort but the blood-stained hand soaking equity to keep and make it a consistent reality nearly drains us dry of our vitality by the end of most days?..of course there is more than one reason with me.
***** okay, here is where what's called 'body anxiety' or the first paragraph here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscle_dysmorphia , becomes a thin first layer
^1 less malnourished obesity issues and ppl actually not draining out in the exertion of effort which isn't mental when it comes to the consequences of fitness and hypothetically less irresponsible and/or ignorant a--wipes and more authentic care and losses to the destructive inertia of indifference whence mental health caring is there
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It's a drag how often when you break the illusion of being infutuated w/one's self* and the destructive habits and attitudes therein, when the illusion is broken there is a new found vulnerability to self-loathing or self-pity and destructive habits and attitudes therein
*narcissism if you will
@Modal0154
=_= Entiende que yo practicamente nunca me a gustado hablar con otros barones acerca de que me attraca en mujeres menos mi familia en cierto instantes y ciertos professionales de salud mental. >~< No me calle bien >:I !, cuando hay chisme lujurioso entre hombres en un manera que practicamente cueda igual de irresponsable desde sus dias de adolescencia y no comenzaria aqui!.
>:I you better* translate it
*/all the better for you that you
@Modal0154
I was told how not finding black women attractive isn't racist..where racism factors in is when you attribute a certain apparently unpleasant behaviourism to a group
This mental health professional was a Nigerian woman.
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Again, I'm not typing this to be brazen..frankly, btw listeners too hard to find, too tedious to build rapport with and annoyingly cowardly =_= in hearing out stuff about sexuality and having the comfortable conviction that it can be non crassly, I'm getting impatient..
@Modal0154
A noticing about my patterns of pornography usage
I've gone through 'fetishes'..'race fetishes' if you will..the narrow minded 'not my (pheno)type' days are over I like to think..I wasn't really paying attention, from ~preteen 12-ish age to the beginning of my mid-20's (23 or 24) to Caucasian women..
Hispanic and East Asian women* were what I fixated on for a long time..and those final months of the gym in Mohawk's residence area before the 'David Bradley(?)' fitness centre..it was during those instances when my attraction to Caucasian women starting 'waking up' again after about a decade, not having been present since before 'sexual maturity (i.e. puberty' emerged.. '_' ._. to be frank an attitude of 'beneath the neck line, I'm not complaining' whirling through my mind while at the gym was a component of it...entering maybe ~a year and a half after, I participated in a mental health hospital, 'opened my heart' to friendship,companionship'..'softened up' on my reservations and resentments towards Caucasian..cue the journal entry where I posted the notes made after admitting to transference
* =_= ahh,..talks with my sister's friends about this
@Modal0154
Do consider how with finding Caucasian women attractive again..this means something as far as my 'bad habits' go--
It friggin opens a gateway to pornography b/c I 'amplfied' what demographics I'm 'receptive' too given a newly 'refreshed' fondness for Caucasian women*
Now when it comes to pornography..it meant much less fixation on 'specific performers'..and I have gradually noticed, admitire , on certain 'actions'
* '_' hm...wish I could I remember what the video was called..~'x numbers of things about the U.S. you didn't you know?'..apparently 70%+ of the world's pornography is made (nearly solely, if I might say b/c that's a big percentage to go w/ for something uncompromisingly exploitive and destructive ) in the U.S.
@Modal0154
Erotic wrestling et al
@Modal0154
Something about 'releasing' and 'seeing' what otherwise might be aggressive competitiveness in a sense promptly 'shifted' into another end of the spectrum of hormonally fueled behaviour (sex)..done by bodies with a 'hardness' likened to 'fitness models*' instead of the 'softness' of mere 'curviness'..not to mention 'new experiences', 'different, unconsidered, unexplored expressions' of pressure and tactility..I can see it having parallels to consentful S&M imo, albeit much less 'equipment based'.
*a speculation as to the 'origins' of the appeal...somewhere btw life long exposure to the power fantasies of superheroes and illustrators like Frank Franzetta and Boris Vallejo who 'push the envelope' on how risqué you can portray in a mainly 'genre setting'.
=_= severely wishing this site had a function to cover possibly triggering words like another forum I once used for when it comes to stuff like this, dumba--es
@Modal0154
'_' So yeah..a truth about me, which would be so aggravatingly cumbersome to need to express to listeners when I would find myself under the necessity to bring up sexual stuff, all typed up here in what I can hope is not considered crude for the sake of cartharisis plus convienence and expediency if I so find myself needing to explain this to someone without say ~15-20+ minutes of a chat or like 1/5-1/3 of the chat being me getting to such points.
@Modal0154
=_= *sigh* not cool 'life'
I go for my weekly webcomic dose of 'existential comics' and there's a focus on an antinatalist motherf--r..
@Modal0154
Another 'take-away' is that this* how I went back to my 'earliest default settings' of attraction to Hispanic and Caucasian women.
*can be seen as 'the story of..'
"You've had too much to think, now you need a wife*"--'Steady, as she goes' by 'The Raconteurs'
* =_= No. Please no comienza.
I realize how for the past (~10+ years now (?)) JJ Abrams has had the grip on what passes for high concept 'space operas' in movies*. Now what if..he directs a Green Lantern movie or movies?.
Alternatively I'd accept the feasibility of GLCorps TV show given the experiences of 'Krypton' and 'the Arrowverse' shows it'd seem like a promising direction to go.
*b/c of his involvement in both the Chris Pine 'Star trek' movies and now complete 'Star wars' sequel trilogy--Valerian and the city of a thousand planets was a valiant attempt imo '_' d...and this coming from an adaptation of a decades old French comic series which was one speculated inspiration for Lucas.