Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
B/c the goal of this place is mental health and transparency..I'll admit here how I've been 'cheating' through my online work at times.
Thank goodness no one is really too scrupulous about evaluating that every video was learned from--I'm realizing how I prefer, much prefer 'soft skill' related content. Tech based stuff, even if it's not as 'hard' and methodical as bone fide coding but mere software use like MS Office suite program stuff is mainly too unpalatable to me--
Note: the last thing, I formally graduated from was focused on such computer applications...but btw the dryness, having to bare learning curves and pedagogy making me sooner to stew in reminding resentments et al, it doesn't help.
Hence I'm sorry to say I don't quite enjoy it. If the anxiety of my mortality, aging, position in the filthy human enterprise of marketing/making effort transactional ('work') wasn't so high for various reasons like being screwed over at several developmental points, I might now be saying this.
It's why I can imagine myself feeling comfortable w/programming if I had gotten use to in the pre-double digit era* in contrast to the early 20's reality of painfully learning how 'picking out the best lines of arguement'/'being logical' is a misguided statement as to why autistic could thrive in STEM fields.
* though, we never really had computer 'long term' before I was 12..there was a stint when an uncle gave us some kind of old Mac once...funny thing..the bareness of the desktop screen besides a few folders until I found a few folders which included a few games of sorts.
It'd be too much to expect me to be learning Steve Gimbel style formal logic before I was 10 ?.
If we run out of Lynda courses..I could see us being told to repeat some of them. For a page like me in contrast to an info clerk, I could see how my contribution is more about 'keeping the gears of payroll rolling' in contrast to learning.
__
soon I will print a document related to social assistance..=_=..later I will tell my mom.
Documento imprimido.
Hoping my documents won't be f--d up.
I hate how for so much in life I need to come off as obsequious possibly , to function; https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ObfuscatingStupidity
=_= ...brownnosing might be a strategy to prevent being affected by the layoffs.
My get this over w/ attitude..can stop
It grew out of the lack of trust I had for ignorant, posturing teachers long ago who only ever pitched a premise of 'gettting things, done right the first time around as quickly as possible' even though ironically as important as it was to those d---ds they never took responsibility upon themselves to not be a--wipes when explaining saying they refused to 'spoon-feed' that jacka-- atttitude of feeling your 'to good to do that' fueled by that idiotic premise that, 'that's how the real world is like' ..
=_= it's also mainly why it is continously sick and stagnating you unwitting classist pigs..
I grew up under a premise of peccability not responsibility; maladaption resultant.
those d---ds they never took responsibility upon themselves to not be a--wipes when explaining saying they refused to 'spoon-feed' that jacka-- atttitude of feeling your 'to good to do that' fueled by that idiotic premise that, 'that's how the real world is like' ..
=_= barely 1/2 a decade later I would see co-operative groups of middle-aged men, 'mature students' working together to handle ~post-precalculus level math at a community college after years of likely 'blue-collar' career..
babbling ghosts, babbling ghosts
..privlege..
Not too relevant, but I remember maybe only a few days after my parents came back seeing the townhouse area where an uncle used to live 'shut down', wood boards on the windows and my mom telling me how it had been bought out for some real estate development.
-~- *sigh* d--n how meaningful attempts at socialist style providing withers out..
__
Quotes / conversation from a 'Street fighter III' manga I once read. The characters are Ryu, Oro and Dudley
"
R:The fist is like the wind…
D:What !?
O:The…wind?
R:The wind has no color,no shape..how can we confirm its existence.Does it need to blow apart houses…to blow apart everything in its path?.Theres no need for that
[Stomps strongly into the ground with right foot]
D:Oh!
O:He released all of his built up energies into the Earth!!
R:To appeal to its existence the wind need only brush gently past the leaves of the trees!.Thats all it takes.The Earth calls to the wind and in response the trees stir their leaves.With the Earth as soul,the trees as body—and the wind as fist!.The deepest form of the killing strike is the fist of the wind!!.
D:Wind […] the idea would be to incapacitate ones opponent without destroying the physical body!.Such a gentle yet solid stance,like the posture of a great tree.Your calm clearly conveys this concept!.
…..
O:So Ryu targeted his fist the entire time…!!
...R:Forgive me...the result was due to my lack of trainig.It was not neccesary for me to use this much force.
D:..indeed you went well beyond swaying the leaves,right to breaking the branch.But I did feel it!.The slight movement of the leaves!
I felt your strong desire to surpass not my physical prowness but rather my "killling strike".One killing strike is constantly evolving into another killing strike..as do time,places and ppl.A killing strike is truly like the wind itself!.
[--romanticizing an arms race much -~- (?) ] "
Expecting a call from my physician regarding social assistance related forms. By today.
It was off-putting for my mom how abrasive an undertone my response can be, it was off-putting for her to see the line ups outside of the grocery stores except the first one we went. We went to Harvey's.
Hardware stores like 'Canadian tire' are closed to customers expect ones picking up orders. That's one potential rush making me thankful for the limited tool range at dollar stores.
The line-up outside of a bank to replace my card wasn't too bad.
The cynic inside me wondering how maybe this is when it will remain unambigious enough to take action in discarding the concept of 'piece work' from labour, as the blue-collar community has been afflicted.
__
2 more additional online work hours than thought of before, remain.
Since I doubt that it will snow again until later this year, I would like to say how for most of the late '19-early '20 season I was able to go out biking outdoors w/out too much problem.
xD YYYYYYYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!
My physician called back and asked me about the forms, telling me how they would faxed or physical mailed to the offices.
Por lo menos por mi lo que hage el abburimiento peligroso es discouragement y demotivation.
Effort, information and work are more empirically satisfying than faith, trust and .. ever was.
Effort, information and work are more empirically satisfying than faith, trust and .. ever were.
