Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
Unfeasible, unlikely,..
Just b/c you love something doesn't mean you'll understand it, the prettier they are the harder it is to let them down/disappointment them and what I don't have to offer is what's not to like about me.
Those were 'voices' regarding my inability to do post-friendship clicking with anyone
__
Inflamming myself by looking at the social media of ppl from personal eras I hated is as bad an idea as porn.
instead of 'that's the trick' or 'that's the thing', that's the snag
I need enough friendship that hindsight becomes opaque fog and I will never again have dark fantasies of the front lawn being lined w/impaled heads of ridicule-some a--holes or a--holes of nth degree.
What 'makes me boring', what makes me banal is fixating on social assistance and how I receive money..
these days ppl are not good at hiding that about themselves?..
Corrections
Trying to not fixate on possible f--k ups to my social assistance related documents.
I agree w/an opinion I read once about how last year's 'Hellboy' reboot attempt could've worked better as a TV show b/c imo the Ron Perlman movies give off a vibe similar to the Arrowverse shows albeit more 'horror oriented'.
Issues regarding the forms having reached a compromise which can be mended over a fairly long term of time, less than an hour of online work remaining, family has arrived, soup is downstairs and this laptop has adequate charge.
In excited anticipation for msg's from a listener sent to them offline.
Try to relax.
~mission accomplished~
Weekly online work quota fulfilled
Those days of pesuing and being motivated by having an eventual ability 'to flex' about working in a scientific field applying that glorious knowledge andscoffed and it's apparent marketability in contrast to the arts and humanities fields I scoffed and jeered at even though 'behind the scenes' I loved it even when it came to the more forgotten/underused fields like art.
Now w/out fussing about which not to old Cracked article to quote regarding underemployed or unemployed business field grads..can we stop those old stereotypes of 'acceptable targets' b/c it's increasingly clear how it's ultimately more about 'what kind of market oversaturation' winds up happening first and where instead of really what field you studied?.
All those aging mofos who are getting to get self-rationalizing when they see the lose of initiative when meatspace pedagogy is vanquished interminably while the quaratines are in place.
