Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
Gj: Great food brought in even if I have been using pornography.
lindo
simpatico ('esos cachorros fueron simpatico'//'those puppies were cute') is one way I commonly hear 'cute'* said in Spanish.
simpatico
sympathetic
see something?..
*'cute' as a form of attractive, 'innocent in an attractive way'
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I would consider joining the community of one of these sites (https://www.lifewire.com/top-free-webcam-sites-1949829) but the descriptions of inactivity make me think I might wind up obsessed w/another false hope like how this site can feel at times.
"Don't be sad that it ended be glad it happened and you were around to find it stop remaining somehow' ≥
obsessive nostalgia
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The amount of time btw when the century began and when I tried out a meditation retreat barely after last year's April
..is the same as the amount of years when I graduated high school
The amount of time btw the first video games I played and when I graduated elementary
..is (~about) the same as when 'Iron man' came out and when 'Avengers 4' came out
The amount of time btw me failing that ('07) grade 10 literacy test b/c of being distracted by a girl and the time I graduated community college ('17)
..is the same as the number of that grade I was in when I first wrote that literacy test, mandatory to pass for a graduation
The amount of time btw when I entered the first h--hole of a high school and 'succeding' at my decision to escape it
..is the same as amount of time btw the release of 'TLOTR: the fellowship of the rings' until 'TLOTR: the return of the king'
The amount of time btw me staring restlessly at those alphabet writing exercise sheet and the time I entered a nonpublic
..is the same as the amount of time between roughly the beginning and end of WWII
=_=...The amount of time, the amount of years I had to spend in school/labour investment process was the same as the
number of years your expected to graduated high school from
The amount of time btw when the current cat was brought into the family and today
.. is the same as the amount of time between I spent habitually present at 'what was technically a mental health hospital but designed like a community centre'
The amount of time btw me entering the nonpublic school board and me deserting it for a public high school
..is the same as the amount of time Digimon held my attention until that initial disillusionment w/'Tamers' and not understanding it or the time spent in the last program I graduated community college from
The amount of time between the first 'The fast and furious' movie appearing and now 'The fast and furious 9'
is the same as the time btw WWI and WWII (give or take months b/c of recent movie release reschedulings)
Roughly the end of WWII and Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
is the same as the time btw YouTube emerging and now
The amount of time between Obama being elected and him finishing his presidency
is the same as how long it took me to live to see grade 3 and all it's meaningfulness
The amount of time btw when the century began and the year 'Avengers v. X-men' happened (the last major American superhero comic event, I really followed..
..is the same as when I found out about Catholicism apparently being part of my identity somewhat after moving out from being with cousins at the middle school I so tensely went to, during it's final year before closure
The amount of time between me entering my final-ish community college program and being hired for my current job..
..is about the same as my span spent in high school(s).
The amount of time I spent at the elementary school, not even technically 2 blocks south of where I reside
..is the same between when the 'Legendary-verse' Godzilla movie came out and the 'King of the monsters'
The amount of time from when I was born until me finding Paul Tillich
..is about the same as btw now and when kindergarten finished for me
The amount of time it should take to complete non-postsecondary education
..is about the same as btw now and when my paternal grandmother passed away
The amount of years I spent in last century/ last millenium..
..is about the same as the number of years I voluntarily/actively practised Catholicism
Man, have I been 'cringe'..
The amount of time btwn the 'MK9' to 'MK11' games and the satisfying closure w/the end of the 11th one is the same amount of time as going through an entire elementary grade school system, when there are no middle schools.
The franchise made for some of the first games I played and the significance of it's violence is different from how since online gaming's social factor boomed around the turn of last decades there are toddlers playing online shooters and more consequentiality in interaction which might not have really been a thing when I was little short of the really 'Doom'(?) games, maybe.
xD Hah! Those 'self-demonstrating' pages
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SelfDemonstrating/JohnnyCage
The part of me which feels like asking b/c I haven't seen any nor am I interested in seeing said movies..but would it be a stretch to see John Wick in a 'Mortal kombat' game ?.
Past midnight on this end, is it still worth mentioning when my dad isn't sober?..
Yesterday.
Apparently spoiled almond milk was thrown out =_= .
theories of pain, theories of pain*
*Buddhism ;|
Is it any wonder how 'the successful', in contrast to mass-interia-of-self-deceptive-apathy credit there outcome and maybe privleges to ' their uber-personal religions*', which are still to this f--g day dangerously difficult to develop w/ Darwinian impulses not being succumbed to shamefully a/o irresponsibly?.
F--k Ligotti.
* I mean love..I don't do friendship
Sans on female teacher, the other ones at the first high school, I went to.
=_= it's b/c of ppl like you 'the working class' and underthinking that I didn't succeed*.
*Not being able to take risks, struggling to take risks is not the same as self-satisfied complacency. An actuary or some sort of scientist mulling over likelihoods isn't the same as a 'blue collar cliche' who rejects introspection and understanding how swimming through/operating with an ocean of prejudices and victimization is a reality. Different flavors of conservatism.
@Modal0154
Is it any wonder than that some can get dangerously confrontational about requesting high stakes collateral for taking a risk or in case it's not fruitful ^1 ?.
The basis of thought on human sacrifices throughout history comes to mind--Incans, Mayans, Aztecs etc.
^1 my 'dark side' included
Who the frig ever said you need religion for life to be 'go through the motions, choiceless ritualism' or that it dissipates upon disengagement.
___
yadda,yadda Satre(?)..'most radical freedom' is suicide..the desire to die is as arbitrary as the desire to live
Those who go through such ideation or impulses are 'going through their own personal hell'--the terrifying esotericism del concepto is lost when you realize how 'accessible' it is, huh?.
\\\
Personal heaven(s) tie not only to ethics I value theory but beauty, also..I'm not an aesthetician but it doesn't mean I can't wind up being carried away..to the toxic thrill of pornography =~= =_= .
@Modal0154
that..the desire to die being as arbitrary as the desire to live..the impulse for addiction and becoming able to remain breathing and the tedium of 'hanging on' w/a validity of injury or sickness, choicelessly forced into a lifestyle
Sanctity of life and quality of life chats, some might say
*theories of pain, theories of pain*
Buddhism ;|
[listening to 'how do you sleep?' acoustic]
Is it any wonder how 'the successful', in contrast to mass-interia-of-self-deceptive-apathy credit there outcome and maybe privleges to ' their uber-personal religions*', which are still to this f--g day dangerously difficult to develop w/ Darwinian impulses not being succumbed to shamefully a/o irresponsibly?.
F--k Ligotti. Ignorance a/o apathy for ignoring or pretending to not recognize this is why I hate older ppl.
* I mean love..I don't really do friendship
..
Personal heaven(s) tie not only to ethics in value theory but beauty, also..
____
not only to ethics in value theory*
* the maintenance of integrity is ethic. Perfection is a direction not a place.
Something about chasers after using pornography, to read on, would be appreciated.
The resentment towards something as authentically joy bringing as sexuality being reduced to an alleviation of banality-- I get that.
Look. I'm sympathetic to Italy* but that doesn't change how ticked off I am for an Italian listener ditching out before a forementioned ~1/2 hour was up and I brought up my guilt and past Italophobia**
* for now
** it's not Meister Eckhart; Catholicism remember ?.
"Dofferentation between seeking affection and h--rn--s important"
Hulk speak
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F--k how it takes looking at each other's mainly hairless ape species as walking, living ecstasy source for internal, experential quality ('consciousness' riding within meat computers) to 'over-ride' the intimidation of the practicalities of having children and 'lesser or equal to' motivations.
